Shoes

Repeatedly it has been pointed out to me what a difficult situation this must be for my parents. I usually shrug. I don't really know what they go through, because my family has never had open communication about the situation. Even in this online "anonymous" format, I refer to what happened in vague terms, and I keep it pretty general. I have never been taught how to talk about it, or how to express my feelings that are a direct result of what happened to me. But just because I don't know exactly what they are going through, or thinking, does not mean I can not imagine. I have actually imagined quite a bit, what I would do if one of my children hurt the other in the way that I was hurt. I have imagined my immediate reaction, the emotions, and my long lasting reaction. I have imagined if I had found out when the abuse was still taking place, what differences there might be in my reaction. I have imagined how my reaction would be different if I did not find out about the abuse until it was "too late" and one child had harmed the other to an "irreparable" state.  How would I react differently if I were to walk in on an abuse taking place. I can not say what is appropriate as a reaction from my parents. But I can say that I know my reactions in any of my imagined situations would be lacking.

Much to many people's surprise, I do not think that I am perfect. Quite the opposite actually. I am broken, imperfect, and a very big mess. I don't think that I would produce the perfect response to any situation if my children are ever the object of abuse, or abusers themselves. But I know I would not walk away. Or pretend there is no hurt, or hide my feelings, or put on a brave front. Even now when the boys are hurt with a stubbed toe, or falling in the midst of the mess of toys they just made, I cry with them. I tell them that when you are hurt, it is ok to cry. This has taken me a while, I don't remember crying when I needed to most. I remember being strong and brave (and very angry). 

I have felt lately that I needed to make a decision. My family has not handled this situation in any way that is healing for me. I have felt like I need to walk away, stop the pain, take care of myself for my children. Then a friend loaned me a book, "Outgrowing the Pain". It was a quick read, thank goodness, and it made several points that I needed reaffirmed. One of which is that I am not alone. I may feel alone if I don't do what my family wants from me, but if their love is contingent on me acting in certain ways than maybe what they want me to do is more for their benefit than mine. (This realization was not one that I connected with my parents, more the abuser.) But just the fact that I wrote that disclaimer makes me think. Why do I need to clarify? If the shoe fits the reader they should wear it. 

I still do a lot in my life to try and win the affection of my parents. I think I always will. Not to say that my parents don't love me. They provided shelter, food, and dance classes (which has turned into a therapeutic activity), for me throughout my life; they have loved me the best they know how. I do not fault them for any of the things that happened to me by someone else's hand, or by my own. I think had they known they would have done "something" to have stopped it. Maybe send me away, or hire a babysitter, or something. But they never knew, they had to work, so they could provide their love for me.(which I do not say with a sarcastic tone, I truly believe they were doing what they felt was best for their children)

All I can do now is to internalize what I can do for my children. I can take the knowledge that I have from my experience and try to prevent the cycle from continuing. I try to maintain our priority in my family to be loving time and experiences. I let my children scream out their feelings, when they are done I talk with them about how they feel, how they are making me feel, and what we can do. I am by no means perfect, I feel like I have to keep saying that because I am saying how hard I try, and I do not want it assumed that I think I am any better than my parents. I still slam things, but then I talk about it. Why I did it, how it made me feel, how I probably shouldn't have done it. My boys know I am imperfect, but at the end of the day, they still want some cuddles. They still want just one more hug. 

I have always avoided counseling for the abuse. I tried once, the therapist told me I should try cutting ties with my family. I stopped going. That is still one of the scariest things for me. Why? I feel alone already, and I am constantly looking for ways to win approval or affection. Maybe it is time that I step back and let someone else earn my love, earn my trust. Maybe I should go back to therapy and listen....maybe....or maybe I should continue on the way it's been. Continue to love myself and wonder why I am not worthy. Continue to hate myself and wonder why he is worthy. Maintain a false smile, remember to say "we're good", and just hope that some day the discussion will happen and the elephant will be evicted from the room. Or give up hope. 

feelings on facebook

Humans crave community. We crave a group of people around us who can say "I know how you feel, I still love you, and let's work through this together"". We want to know we are loved and supported when we feel weak and alone. But we are so busy as a society, and so individualistic in our living situations that we have to find an alternative to satisfy this craving for a community. Enter social media, and a new obsession for our culture.

I am not getting on a soap box to say social media is evil, and is ruining human relationships, I feel like the opposite can be true of it. I know some of the people I am closest with at this point I first connected with through facebook. I am also seeing some of the down sides of social media (mostly facebook) and how it effects our relationships and interactions while being introspective about my mood, and emotions.

When I open my facebook I always fight the urge to post a status about how I am feeling. Why? Well, because I do not want to post how I am truly feeling, or what I am truly thinking. I want people to think I am 'ok'. So posting, "god, couldn't get out of bed, I have no will to live, but my children forced me awake" is not going to get my desired message across. I will also occasionally think throughout the day to post what I have accomplished, but I talk myself out of  it because I am not trying to say "look at me, I'm so productive", because I can accomplish the same feeling by writing my accomplishments on a piece of paper, and feel just a productive, then throw the paper away and I cleaned up AGAIN. 

I try to be cautious in what I post because I know everyone is reading it from their perspective of me, and their emotions of their day. It seems more difficult to me to read other's emotions in their status, or shared article, or meaningful quote, than it would be to understand their emotion if they were in my living room talking to me. Just like everyone else I read everything others post through my heightened emotion. It can seem pretty harmless to the poster, but because I am working through something that day, I can be extremely hurt by a simple post that is meant to help another person, why don't I get "helpful" posts? Or a celebratory post, why is my husband's birth never a reason to recognize the wonderful child his mother brought into this world? Or just a post about a craving or indulgence, why is everyone posting about Starbucks while my husband looks for alternate ways to pay our bills? I am not under the impression that the world revolves around me... no matter how much I would like it to, it never will. At least not for EVERYONE (my boys think I'm pretty awesome). But facebook rubs that in my face. Points out that this battle I fight is completely me against the invisible demons. Shows me that it is true, you can have over 300 "friends" and still only know the middles names of 10 of them, only remember 3 or their birthdays (without facebook help), only know the daily struggles of 5 of them, and know that you can only count on maybe 8 or 9 of them being there for you when you REALLY need it.  

Sometime I wonder why I still have an account on facebook, then I see all the fluffy good advice memes, and contemplate how they apply to my life... no, not really, I judge the person who posted it, and wonder if they see the contradiction their life holds against the meme they just posted...not every time maybe, but pretty often that is my reaction. How many times do you judge people by what they post? By which agenda they support? By how many times they "check-in" at certain businesses? By their lack of an educated opinion (in your "humble" opinion)? I think that another detriment to using social media to satiate our hunger for community is we can build our own community that agrees with all of our meme beliefs. I think it eliminates the opportunity for salons, discussions, and debates. Instead we all post a meme, backed up by a website, and punctuated with a "hell yeah!" on our part. Notice I am not eliminating myself, I am guilty of fluffy memes, removing people from my feed who "annoy" me because I don't agree with them, and judging people by what they post. 

What does this whole tirade have to do with my healing journey, well, I think that it is about time that I turn my facebook into something a little more healthy for me. I feel like it is a tool to communicate with people and keep in touch with loved ones who are a bit removed from my immediate area or unable to use a phone or car to initiate communication with me. I feel like it is important for me to develop relationships outside of this social media site before people are able to view my posts. I also feel that it is important for me to censor what I am seeing. 

Please do not feel slighted if I "unfriend" you, or if you can not see my content, know it means I would like to become closer with you on real life level before we connect virtually so I know how to interpret what you post, and you can understand more what I post. 

invisible forgiveness

People like to assume that I need to forgive what has happened. This is something that seems to come up a lot. It is hard to people to know what is in another's heart, which, in my opinion, is where forgiveness resides, but the difficulty doesn't stop anyone. They still like to believe if I could just forgive my brother than all would be resolved. The whole family could get along; I could stop having anxiety; I could stop having sensory issues; and the sun would shine all the time and a smile would be plastered on my face.

I would like to think that I have forgiven my brother. I certainly do not wish ill upon him, and I obviously have not forgotten anything he has done in the past. So what would it look like for me to forgive him? In my opinion it means being neutral. I have never told my children that my brother is a bad man. I have remained neutral in my explanations to them about why I am not allowed around my niece. I do not feel any hate towards him, but I also do not feel any love. All I feel is an dull sense of duty. Duty as a sister, such that if his family is in need I will do my duty, in a comfortable way for me. So, have I forgiven him?

Let's say that this situation was different. Let's pretend I was married to a man who belittled me, told me I was worthless, and all my friends were just pity friends. Would you encourage me to forgive him daily and stay in the marriage? Now pretend I was dating a man who thought that it was acceptable to hit me if he was upset with the way I folded his laundry. Would that man deserve my forgiveness every laundry day, I mean he really does love me. Finally pretend that I am in a crowded room and there is a man I have never met who decided to take advantage of the crowd by touching me in ways that are violating, even when I ask for it to stop and try to move away he follows and continues. Should I just forgive him and allow the crowd to excuse his actions?

I am hoping that anyone reading this could agree, that in every one of those situations it would be necessary to somehow take control of the situation. In an emotionally abusive relationship, end the relationship. In a physically abusive relationship end the relationship. In a situation involving inappropriate touch, get out of the crowded room. There comes a time when the person that is uncomfortable or being hurt has to put an end to it, otherwise the abuser is winning. They are maintaining control. So for the safety and health of the abused they need to do whatever is necessary to end the relationship OR cause the cycle of abuse to end.

I would like to emphasize the OR in my last sentence. I have been urged and encouraged to END all ties with my brother. I have not listened to that advice. I have never felt like that is a decision I have been allowed to make. There are family functions to consider, what about Easter, Christmas, Thanksgiving. If I walk away from a relationship with my brother, I walk away from a relationship with my family, because, well, I am the one walking away. That's not a decision a person who has such a history can make. When I already feel unimportant to the family, I want to somehow maintain my space in the unit. Even if it is not what I think it could/should be. Why? Why is that position so important? Because I have no identity without it. But I think those thoughts are for another day.

The cycle of abuse can only be ended by the abuser. Even when the physical abuse ends, that does not guarantee the emotional abuse has come to an end. Unfortunately, in a family situation, the emotional abuse can be disguised as concern, it can be defended as an act of love. The only one to determine the appropriateness of the interactions is the abused, whether their view is skewed or not. In my situation, I can not stand being told what to do. It was an intrinsic element to my abuse. I can take direction, as long as directions are given to me in a loving manner. But barking orders at me, or flat out demanding I do things a certain way will not work with me (not that I am sure it works with anyone). I am not a puppet. This is the abuse that continues as long as there is a "relationship" between my brother and I. And of course, it's because he "loves" me.

On January 9th of 2013 I got a phone call from my brother, demanding I have my baby or "my FAMILY" would be admitting me to the hospital for "proper care". I was 3 weeks and 3 days past my ESTIMATED due date, similar to the nearly 4 weeks my mom was past her date when pregnant with me. I had regular visits with my midwife, there was no reason for concern. If there was a reason for concern I would have been directed to a medical facility by my midwife. I was already in labor at this point, I had gotten a massage the night before to trigger labor. As soon as that demand came out of his mouth I began to mentally fight my body and the birth. There was NO way in hell I was going to do what he said this time. Babies coming into the world is a battle that you can't win if you decide to fight though. My baby made his way into the world. Because I fought so hard, I refused my body's desire to be in a hands and knees position all day. I refused my body's desire for my hips to move in circles. I believe this prevented my baby from being in the most comfortable position for birth. He was delivered in a posterior position, at a whopping 11 pounds, it did not work well. I ended up with excessive bleeding, and was transferred via ambulance to the hospital. Like I said, babies coming into the world is not a force to be fought.

I had a close friend accompany me to the hospital, along with my husband, and my midwife. I left the baby in the loving arms of my mother to prevent the hospital admitting him. The doctor that fixed the damage the birth caused was gentle, understanding, and very kind. Once the procedure was done I was informed that I had visitors. Surprised as I was that I had visitors, I was more surprised who it was. My oldest brother, his girlfriend, and my other brother. My oldest brother and his girlfriend, smiled and nodded, said they were happy everyone was healthy and alive, and made a few jokes. My other brother on the other hand, took the opportunity to belittle my decisions for care. Started to demand that if I am to have more children I WILL do it the "right" way and go to the hospital, and I should stop being so selfish. Of course, it's definitely his place to tell me what to do. His job to decide what is best for my health, family, and MY body.

It didn't end there. He visited in the hospital twice giving demanding lectures every time; sent me long emails telling me what to do, where I went wrong, how I was selfish, and all kinds of other very nice, encouraging comments. I let it roll off my back. I had a beautiful baby, and two amazing toddlers. I ignored him. I felt empowered from all the hormones. It was incredible. So empowered I decided to change the course of the abuse. I decided he had no power. (That obviously is not one hundred percent true, it has not worked perfectly, I am not always empowered. There have been several times I have been powerless, alone, vulnerable, and empty. But it's a work in progress.)

Then when I started to stand up for myself , tell my family I didn't want to be around him. This whole forgiveness issue came up. Can't I forgive him, and still desire to end the emotional abuse? Or do I have to go through the abuse regularly and repeatedly forgive him? Or do I have to walk away from all of it?

misguided and confused

Every time that I have tried to "deal" with my past the same responses come up. I am dismissed as attention seeking. I am asked what I want to "get" out of it all. I am accused of stirring the pot.

It hurts. It hurts a lot. Maybe I am seeking attention. As a mother, I know that means that my children are lacking something if they are doing anything in their power to get my attention. I personally do not feel that is my goal. If that were my goal, I know ways that are much more painless.  

I have thought a lot on the question of what I want to "get" out of speaking up. I want to say, my only desire is to shed light on something that happens in families every day. That would be very noble, a cause behind the chaos in my head. But really, all I can say is, I don't know what I want. It is actually probably the hardest part for me to "deal" with. I am a semi motivated person. If I have a goal, I can reach it. If I want something I can get there. But in this situation, I have absolutely NO idea what in the hell I want. Or do I?

Maybe I want to die. That will bring an end about. This is not to say I want to cease to live, or that I will take my own life. But, upon reflection, trying to discern what it is I want, I want the hurt feelings, mean words, condescension, and second guessing to stop. But as long as I breath, as long as I am a part, it will go on. So that leaves me one thing to desire. Please, don't take this as a suicide note. I have much more to live for than you will ever know. 3 sweet faces who hug me when I cry, telling me that maybe I will feel better tomorrow. Little arms that don't really understand why I just screamed when they wrapped around my thigh, but are willing to cuddle when I calm down. Little voices that say, "I love you, all the way to the end". I will not shorten my life voluntarily. No, even if I feel like that is the only thing that will solve the pain, frustration, and sadness in my body. 

Along with the one thing I know I want (that I will not get until it comes naturally) I know what I DON'T want. Stop calling me beautiful. I don't want to be attractive. I don't want that attention. Believe it or not, I don't like all eyes on me. I never have, it makes me feel dirty. I would rather hide in a group, preferably the back of a group. You don't have to believe this (what woman doesn't want to be beautiful?) but it is my truth. 

I also want the accusations to stop. Accusing me of a selective memory, or of being misguided and confused. EVERYONE has a selective memory. My abuser has decided to not have any memory of the most awful parts of my life that he was a key player in. Misguided would make it seem like someone is helping me along in this journey. I am alone. Confused is not even close to the mix of emotions I feel.

What would you do in my position? Sweep it under the rug? Walk away? Go on pretending in life that you are "normal"? How do you think I should react? Therapy? Medication? 

I really am at a loss. 

importance is important

It's been a long time. October '13 until now. I haven't taken the time to listen to myself, to write, to understand, to try. Why? Well I guess just because I'm not that important.... that is not said to receive pity, to point the finger, or to gain attention. It's true.

As long as I can remember I have been reminded that in the big picture, I just don't matter. This all relates to previous posts you know. Abusers make sure their will is what is heard. Society at a whole like to down play women as naive, less than, or just misinformed. There are two strikes against the importance I may have learned to place on myself at some point. But really, have I ever been taught to value myself? Aren't we taught as children that someone, somewhere else, has it worse than us? The children in Ethiopia who have no food, when a child does not particularly care for the food in front of them. The children who would love to have my walk-man when all I want is an iPod...

So what teaches a person they are valuable? Actions. Follow through. Listening. Genuine concern.

So you say you are sorry that most of my childhood I had a very dark secret that I was scared to death to share? Thank you, I am sorry for it too. Would you mind talking to me about it? I could really use someone to listen and possibly cry with me. Some righteous anger would be nice to see. A little bit of ice cream, a little advice, some hugs. Oh, right that would be uncomfortable because you feel bad for him too.... Got it. I will go and keep my secret to myself some more. Thanks for the initial thought though, it makes me feel really.... unimportant.

So you say that you wish I could slow down and take care of myself? Oh, you have no idea how much I agree. Could you take the boys for a few hours so I can set up my sewing room, make a hair appointment, date my husband, take a shower, or any other plethora of things I would love to do for my soul? Oh you're busy, yeah I know, we're all busy. Thanks for the concern about me taking care of myself, at least even if I am not important, I am at least thought of....

So you need my help, encouragement, or direction. Yeah, sure, when can we get together?

See, this is the pattern of my life. I have amazing friends. Some know a lot about the deep dark, have listened, have given me ice cream, hugs, and support. They have watched my kids in a pinch for me to work, shower, or any other thing that might come up.... but they are also not the ones who say trite things. None of my good friends have apologized for my experiences, they have spit with anger, told me I am beautiful and reminded me that without that I wouldn't be here. They have seen how ragged I am and offered to watch the boys for an hour, or two, or more.

So why, why am I not important? My friends did not teach me that I was UN-important, so they are having a hard time teaching me that I AM important.

I made it a year (Jan9-Jan9) without an episode of depression. Considering Liam was born on the day that my "abuser" was celebrating his own life I see this as a very good accomplishment. But all of a sudden I am surrounded by this feeling of sadness, unworthiness, just being unimportant. It's hard to shake, I will, because I am important. But it is hard, so very hard. But I will, in time.

Truth and Identity

Moms say it all the time, "tell the truth", but then at some point there may be two conflicting stories. Then what? Then does truth simply not exist any more?

When my truth was first shared with my parents and my brother said none of it ever happened, their answer is to say that they believe we are both telling the truth.

I am sure in their position it is hard to imagine one child violating the other so badly. It is hard to understand as a sibling, why another sibling would want so much control and hurt you so much in the process. The whole situation is hard, depressing, demoralizing, and  frustrating.

My truth and my brother's truth are at odds. My truth is that I experienced a series of events that were traumatizing, uncomfortable, and inappropriate. My brother's truth is that those experiences never took place. When those two truths are believed in tandem does that make the truth go away and the situation disappear? Or does it just make the victim disappear, because the second truth makes the first truth void.

My parents want me to feel supported and believed, but I feel void.
________________________________________________________________________________

I have been called a bitch as long as I can remember. I have recently been called a coward and vindictive. Consistently I have been told I act like my father (not as a compliment usually). My identity has been founded on these negative, and somewhat vague yet encompassing descriptors.

I have been told I am talented, a good friend, and wonderful mother. I am self proclaimed "awesome" at pretty much anything I attempt. I am sure there have been many other compliments that I just don't hear because.... well because they are void since the negative in the previous statement has been repeated often enough that it must be true.

I even identified myself as a bitch most of my high school career. Very few people were treated kindly by me. I was living up to my title. I feel awful about it now, I wish I could call all the boys I made cry by saying nasty things and tell them how sorry I am. I wish I could take back my high school years and be the gentle, loving, and helpful person I wish to truly be.
 ________________________________________________________________________________

I am told he is my brother. He was that first maybe.

But, I feel, he is my hell. He was that more consistently.

Can those ever be reconciled? 

Never Alone

All it would take would be for him to say it didn't happen, and nobody will believe that it did, except for me. I can't erase the experience. I can't make the memory go away; the anxiety; the sadness; the pain. Regardless, if the world knows, or I keep it to myself, those things will be constant.

But they will all think I am crazy if he denies it, making up stories for attention. I don't want attention. I don't want anyone to look at me, let alone pay me any attention. If I don't say anything I only have to endure the attention from him. But if I say something maybe they will write me off as crazy and ignore me and he will stop. Or it could get worse.

I could end up alone. I am there now, but what if it got worse, what if my family didn't care to try and help me. What if nobody wants to talk to me because I am crazy; and if I am not making stories up, I am a disgusting thing that has been ruined and abused. I should stay alone. I shouldn't tell anyone.

He's right, nobody will believe me anyway.

NO!

Almost everything I was afraid of that kept me quiet has come true. 

This is not the first time I have said anything about the abuse. I first brought it up to the family 10 years ago, 2 years after it had stopped. It was denied, I was brushed off, and an elephant moved in with my parents. 8 years ago my husband brought it up again, denied again. 2 years ago it was brought up by my mother, resulting in a journal retelling the events, denied again and this time I am NOT going to stay quiet. 

What happened was wrong, and it did happen. It is unfortunate, but it happened. I don't even care so much that it happened, as much as I care that HE is 'winning'. Not just in the story that is my life, but anyone's story that has an abuser. The abusers are winning, because nobody will talk about it. I am NOT alone. I will never be alone. I don't need other people to believe me to validate a memory, or make it more real. It is the choice of someone hearing (or reading) my story to believe or not. 

Since I have said publicly that sexual abuse happens and children need a safe place to talk about it,  I seem to have lost my family. It is a tragic thing. But there is a part of me that wonders where they have been my whole life. Why stop pretending now? My friends have surrounded me and comforted me, but is there ever a replacement for that feeling of family? I have always wondered what it would feel like if I were to be believed wholeheartedly and someone were to choose me over someone else. I will never know that feeling. He is more worth a family I guess. Or maybe I am just strong enough to continue on without. 

I have been called vindictive, cowardly, and delusional in the past few weeks. I have been attacked, and I have been shown that the feeling of being alone was very real. 

But I have also been called brave, empowering, and strong in the past few weeks. I have been offered shoulders that I didn't know understood, and I have seen the power of a community. I will never be alone.

I see being alone as a very real fear. While I was growing up, my dog kept me company, and my cat. They both did things to show me support. I am not sure if they did it intentionally or if there were just karmic lessons my entire life, but I am glad I was not completely alone. I have been able to speak openly to close friends for years and found reassurance that they do not find me repulsive for the things that have happened in my past. They aren't even upset with the ways I handled my emotions poorly and those were choices I made. They still love and see the present me.

I still fear being alone late at night, like right now, when everyone is asleep. I want to sleep, but I can't, because my mind will not slow down. Why did I have to be right? Why can he erase it from his past with denial but I can't? Why am I being called names? How did I find such an amazing community that will never let me be alone?

Nobody is alone in a struggle, it is just finding the person to talk to and cry with. I will find them tomorrow. 

A Letter to my Niece

Dear Melia,
Today was your third birthday! I can't believe you are already 3; and I can't believe how little I know you.

I have thought of you every day since you were born. Some days I cry for you. Three years ago I tried very hard to make myself a part of your life. I offered help to your mom, I made things that would help your infancy, I was always on the lookout for things your parents might use with/for you, and I just hoped that I would be allowed to form a bonding relationship with you. I wanted to be the most perfect Aunt. I am sorry that I seem to have failed at that miserably; maybe that is part of why I cry. I know my tears will never make me a better aunt, and I know that there is a good possibility that you will never understand why I cry instead of just "stepping it up". I hope that someday, maybe, you and I can have a conversation that could clear that up.

But for now, I want to write for you what is real at this present moment. I have stirred up quite a bit of emotion in the family recently. I did not do this to make myself the center of attention. I did not do it to make someone else have a difficult life. I did what I felt has been necessary for some time. I tattled on your daddy. I am sorry, I know tattling is wrong and that you should always try to handle problems with your words and let other people's decisions be their problem, even if what they are doing is wrong. But sometimes you HAVE to tattle, even on someone that you are taught you should care about and trust unconditionally. Sometimes that person can be hurting you, touching you wrong, or telling you so many untruths about yourself that they make you think YOU are a bad person. NONE of these things should EVER happen. I want you to know, that tattling is GOOD if any of these things happen.

That is what happened with your daddy and I. While we were growing up he did all of those things to me, over and over. He never stopped when I wanted him to, and he always made me think that tattling would make things worse. I was so afraid that I did not tattle on him until 12 years after it stopped. Now there is nothing anyone can do to teach your daddy that what he did was wrong. Because of that, I feel horribly guilty. Which can be a bit confusing for me, especially because my mind tells me that I should be angry instead of guilty. I just can't help but think that if I had tattled on him sooner, he may have been forced into counseling, then he would know that there are certain boundaries that do not get crossed. Maybe he would think differently about the world in general; think that girls are just as good as boys, that emotions are just as valuable as money, or maybe that the world does not revolve around him. I may have helped him to become a better person if I had tattled on him instead of being so afraid and letting his actions continue. NEVER be afraid to tattle!

I was afraid of so many things, and one of them was that nobody would believe me. I will believe you. If you are ever being hurt and you want a safe place to talk, I will listen. I will believe you, and I will do my damnedest to make sure the hurting stops.

I always thought that what I felt was wrong. Your emotions are yours, you are right, you are perfect. We all have emotions for a reason, and you can never be wrong for feeling any certain emotion. Sometimes it is a lot more complicated than what you can identify right away, and if you need a safe place to talk, and figure out your deepest feelings, I will listen. 

I always thought I was alone. YOU are not alone. Even if I can't be an active part of your life now, I have a love for you that is like nothing I have ever felt. I will always be here for you, I will never force myself on you, but you are NOT alone.

I had a safe Uncle while I was growing up, and I have hoped so much that I could be that for you. I know there is still time, but I fear that your daddy is so mad at me for tattling that he isn't going to let me spend much time with you to build that relationship up. I just hope that you can someday see my love for you, and make a decision yourself that you want to spend time with me. I will be with you as fast as I can.

I can not imagine how many things I have missed out on, but I am grateful for the glimpses that I have had into your life and spending time with you. I even got to take care of you one day. It was amazing, you played with your cousins so well, we sang songs, threw toys, figured things out, and read stories. You were not thrilled to be away from your mom, but we got through that. I offered to take you more, but it never happened. 

Please know, that even though you are beautiful, that is not all there is to you. You are a spirited little girl, you have a wonderfully warm smile, and you are always willing to share a hug with your cousins. I hope that you keep your spirit as you grow, challenge what your daddy thinks girls should be, stand up for yourself always, and change the world with your love.

I hope I get to be a part of your life's journey at some point.

xo
Aunt Koren

An emotional week

So lately I have had this overwhelming urge to go get a puppy :) I am looking at the humane society page every couple of day, pet finder, the shelter.... I want a puppy. Why would I want a puppy? I keep telling myself that the puppy is misplaced desire to have a baby, which will be here soon enough and I can just wait.
Then the last few days I have been on the verge of tears constantly, and if you know me, you know I DON'T cry....why so weepy? Oh probably pregnancy....all the hormones, super sensitivity, all that. Happened after I had the boys too, I remember weeping at "America's Got Talent"...no really, it was pathetic.

Then I was driving near the shelter today (not too near, that would be dangerous) to drop the boys off with a friend. Then I saw a connection between the weepy and the puppy. Two years ago, around this time, we lost our first baby. Yea, she was a puppy, but she was the first baby that Evan and I raised (for too short of a time), and taught and nurtured together. She was our everything. If we couldn't take her we didn't go. She was well behaved, knew at least 30 commands, and we talked to her like she was human, and she acted like she knew what we were saying. She ate raw meat, because it was best for her. We looked into every aspect of dog ownership and made decisions based on what would keep her healthy and happy.

It was hard for me to sew after we lost her. It was hard for us to do a lot of things. We still have trouble when we about her sometimes. We miss her everyday in our lives. We talk about how good she would be with the boys. How much she would enjoy having her own yard. It still seems so unfair that she didn't get to see the boys grown up. And get to grow up with them.

Really I'm surprised I didn't connect the weepy and the puppy desire sooner. When I feel sad, she is still the thing I want to cuddle with.

I still want a puppy, I don't think I will get one, seems like a bit much with a baby coming and everything. But I still miss my little girl so much even after 2 years. I know I will never replace her, but there is something about the way a puppy loves you, and how you love a puppy. Hopefully I don't drive by the shelter any time too soon, I feel like I would go home with a puppy. I doubt my husband would be thrilled....

Joy and frustration

So there is the type of joy of a job well done (my curtains!) The type of joy when the boys use the potty ALL day and we don't have any pee pants to wash (YAY!) The odd joy of feeling my insides reposition...(ugh) And the other odd joy I get from making mistakes (huh).....I always feel confused when I make mistakes....Not that I am perfect (but I am), it's especially confusing when I envision something and then when I do it I am not thrilled. Confused? Yeah me too.....

I have been making denim cuff bracelets, it's tons of fun and it's a tiny little canvas so to speak, so I do things I would not normally try or think would look cool. I have a TON of ideas running around in my head about what I can do to these bracelets, just simple stuff, but TONS of it! So far the first one I learned from and after that I have made 6 or 7 that I adore (I even hate to part with them)....but then I started one I was really excited about, I thought it would be clean, classy and fun all at the same time. Now that I got going I HATE it, it is terrible, and I can not seem to pick it up to even figure out how to fix it...I just moved on to something else something I don't hate, but I won't mind if any one buys it. I do this to myself, I make a mistake and I get all frustrated and try to over simplify or just not put myself into it....it always turns out lame and I just stop. I am trying really hard to just muscle through this time, I recently heard someone say "mistakes are NEVER bad, without them you won't learn"...true, I knew that, duh, and that's what I try to teach my kids, but why when it comes to me do I get soooo discouraged I let myself become lame? I am not lame, I pretty much rock! So it's time to own it and rock these denim cuffs again...I think....

I think my hang up is that some things in my mind contain magic, not like Prince Ali magic, but just plain magic where all the hand stitches are exact, they are even and perfect. But that is so unattainable, and what's the point to making something by hand if it looks like it was made by a machine? Not much point, so I just have to suck it up and learn from my mistake(s) and remain awesome, instead of becoming lame....

Here's 3 of what I've done (I would add more but my child got frustrated and threw my camera :( ) If you want to try your hand at making a cuff register for the Embellish Class on Saturday August 4th!

Foiled again

As always my best laid plans get dashed...I took a whole slew of pictures while making curtains for the boys play room recently and as luck would have it I can't find the camera cord to upload them, and my computer has declined to read the card :(  oh well, they will get uploaded eventually :)

I must say I did a wonderful job, and because I bought the fabric on clearance and had a limited amount I had to be creative (darn) and I was really proud of how they turned out. I usually prefer tab curtains (fabric tabs go over the rod), but I didn't have enough for those. My second choice is pocket curtains (the rod is concealed), but that style usually takes more fabric than tab curtains. So I used ribbon, at first I thought I would make the tabs out of the ribbon, but the red did not match as well as I would have liked. Then I thought no problem, it's wide I will make a pocket with the ribbon, then I thought it might be too stiff and hard to pull back in the winter when we want the sun to heat the room up. So I made a hi-bred, tabbed-pocket curtain. So, the ribbon is on the back of the curtain and nobody can see that the red does not match, but I just did 5  tabs on each curtain so it would fall nicely when I pull it back this winter! I can't wait to post pictures, but that will have to wait.

Do you have something at home you keep putting off? I have been putting these curtains off since early December.....2011 at least. It is always easier to sew when you are surrounded by company! Join our class, it will be held in the Regalitos shop at Art 634 from 10:30 until you are done! I can help walk you through the whole process and we can even get creative with it if you need! Call (517)740-3698 to register or email holeyaltered@gmail.com.

Don't feel like doing a home project, clothes are more your forte....no worries. I am holding a class on Tuesday (7/24) at 6pm, take your favorite (or least favorite) article of clothing and we will make it AMAZING! I just taught a group of 8 women this type of class and we had a blast. Come be inspired, have a good time and make-over your closet!

Having a Baby

So the news is out, and I did say I was going to use this blog to post about family and work and how they are so entwined.....and what have I been thinking lately while trying to get ready for classes or make a to do list, or clean....this ever growing bump.

So, let me clear something up; a mother of twins does not ALWAYS produce more than one baby at a time. I know that to everyone who hasn't seen my daily frustrations it is kind of funny to poke and ask about twin girls, but that makes me cry. Honestly, the idea of another 2 years of working to get to the point where I can function and shower, and do dishes, and sleep and spend time with my husband outside of "can you please try something with this one"... it would be horrible. On top of the fact that I am not any where near as big as I was when carrying two. Don't get me wrong, my boys are amazing and totally worth the two years of lost sanity and I truly hope they each get to experience TRIPLETS, but that doesn't mean I want to relive the last two years of my life. This is when it's getting good, and they are playing games with each other, and leaving momma to do the dishes. I like it, why would you want to make me cry and suggest that I am going to go through the frustrations of twin infancy again?

The other assumption you should all know is completely off base...I do not feel like I NEED a girl. Yes, I teach ballet, yes my favorite color is pink, it is true I love everything ruffled, it is also true I love doing crafty things and sewing. It is also true the my sons run around the house wearing my tiara while they play air guitar, they don't wear ruffles, but they wear plaid, which I also LOVE! They love to sew, draw, knit, and do every other craft I do. Yes they are boys and they will possibly grow out of the tiara, they may not like all the crafty stuff, and I may never get to make embroidery floss friendship bracelets....but then again, maybe I will. Jamison is also a beautiful dancer already, he can to arabesque stretches, can do the splits, and loves to do turns. So I have two boys, doesn't mean a girl would be any better suited to all my interests. My boys are fabulous and I will love them even if they become lawyers. Of course I will love a daughter if that is what I have, but I will also allow her to be interested in dirt bikes, or foot ball, or any other thing that you would deem "masculine". I think the best thing my parents ever did was let me decide when I wanted a Pink room top to bottom, and when I wanted a blue room top to bottom. My boys will always be given their choice in activities, nothing will be decided by gender. And if I have a girl this time she too will always be allowed to be who she is. And for the record, I will be thrilled to have a healthy happy baby, and please stop telling me I need a girl. I don't NEED one gender over another, because gender does not determine their interests.

SUMMER TIME!

So here I am months later, wondering, what happened? Why didn't I post since Christmas? I have gotten projects done, found inspiration for projects and had some good ideas that were worth something, but eh, it just didn't rank. Now it's summer, I don't get to dance as much and I have all this time to.........TEACH. Which I have discovered is the true passion for me, not the dance, not the sewing, but the helping others learn how to do it, and do it how they want within or beyond their capabilities.

So it's time to commit! I am going to do a class EVERY week. Saturday mornings 10:30am until you leave, and then Tuesday evenings 6pm until you leave. Regalitos Quilt shop at ART 634 has graciously offered me to use her space, with all her tables and cutting boards and everything! The first hour will be $15 and $10 after that. Stay up to 3 hours :) All classes are open to 8 years old and up, unless otherwise noted.

So here's the schedule. PLEASE let me know if you have questions regarding a certain class, project, or any other aspect of the classes. 

Saturday July 7th: MEET YOUR MACHINE- Bring your own machine in, even if you have never made a single thing with it, and I will show you how to wind a bobbin, thread your machine, change the tension, straight stitch, zigzag stitch, or button hole. Anything your machine can do I will help you walk through it. Bring that every growing mending pile with you for practice. Or I will have supplies for you to make a fabric bag out of upholstery samples.

Tuesday July 10th: FOLLOWING A PATTERN- So you had thought you would teach yourself by getting a pattern from Jo-Ann's and there it sits, or you just want to learn how to follow a pattern. Bring your own supplies ( at least a pattern and any notions the pattern calls for, they will help you figure that out at JoAnn's if you ask) Regalitos has wonderful cotton fabrics, but remember you may want a different material for different projects. Bring it all with you and I will walk you through cutting it out, pinning, sewing and finishing. To keep it a one class project pick something relatively simple. Baby clothes or accessory patterns are usually simple, as well as aprons, skirts, dog clothes, or hats (which are all nice in Cotton).

Saturday July 21st: SEWING HOME-  Pillow covers can spruce up the couch, curtains add a new splash of color to the living room, cloth napkins always impress guests with your ecologically friendly entertaining, place mats or a runner for the table always look nice, or go functional with cloth snack bags. Just pick a project you have been wanting to do around your house, get your fabric and I will help you with the rest. Most household projects work well in the beautiful cottons available at Regalitos, but if you want sheers you'll want to get that ahead of time. Feel free to call with ANY questions about quantity before you buy your fabric!

Tuesday July 24th: REDESIGN- Sometimes great thrift store finds show their true colors the first wear or even once you just get into better light. Have you bought a shirt, then found a stain or tear? We can make the shirt better for it! Have you bought a skirt, but there's not enough leg room for you to move? We can add some gores to it (they will make it flare). Bought something you loved the color, let's make it into something new! Bring options to this class and we can brainstorm together and make over your clothes. You'll be surprised how easy it is!

Saturday August 4th: EMBELISH- Some simple embroidery stitches with bright colored thread, a few beads, an accent color sewn on; anything you can think of can hide a stain, or just spruce up a old skirt your are bored with. I will provide some embellishing options, but there is also Bead Culture at Art 634 if you want to get the perfect beads. I will have some books for inspiration, and you may want to bring a few projects, just to give yourself options and ideas. This class will be mostly hand sewing, there will be lots of time for chatting and helping each other. This would be the perfect class to bring your redesigned clothes from Saturday the 24th's class and add your personalized finishing touches.

Tuesday August 7th: TEAM BUILDING- Bring a team mate (5 years and up), your team mate can draw you the stuffed toy you will create. I will have an assortment of fabrics, notions and everything you'll need to make whatever creation you and your team mate can think of! Great time to build a relationship and teach kids how to work together and they always LOVE to see one of their drawings come to life. They will also enjoy seeing how you can take 2 dimensional fabric and make a wonderful 3 dimensional creature!

Well, hopefully something will pique your interest and you can let me know you want to be there! I will try and post weekly updates with an example prior to the class, to also remind you how you want to take them!

Happy sewing!

5 months later

So I thought I had gotten a lot more off my list than I really had :( but really I mean life happens....plus some other things got added to the list, became imperative and got done. But instead of listing I am going to post photos of how productive I have been!

 We'll work backwards :)

my niece Melia in her monster hat I made for Christmas :)

 

 

my cuz Lauren sportin' her Hawk Hat she got for Christmas :)

Christmas Eve pajamas

Dance clothes!

was the back, now the front and the back is laced up with ribbon :)

was Evan's gray shirt, I made the Jackson School of the Arts logo screen :) now I have been commissioned to do these for a yoga studio in the building (sounds like a summer project to me!)

Jamison modeling a ballet skirt

I made 6 skirts total :)

was a too short t-shirt......

......with a stain on the back

old concert t of Evan's ( also made a blue pair from a vintage blue shirt )

I bought the blue shirt too small and expanded it with laces.

Elizabethan type collar on an old ae shirt...why not?

So what's not pictured? Well I also made curtains for the boys bedroom, I altered 6 military style sequined jackets into cropped bolero vests with white satin ruffles, I made 8 tutus out of navy tule, finished that gigantic banner, fixed a friend's pants that were in my studio for 2 months, patched a work jacket for my oldest brother, I also made some really easy tops for dance without sewing, just cutting and tying, and a case for my ipod (which I loose quite often so it hardly gets to hold the ipod :~D )

Now my to-do list looks something like : "finish the last to-do list and....." get ready for the big 2 year birthday party, plan summer sewing classes for income when dance is done, get going on those commisioned shirts, make the yoda hat baby shower gift for that 2 month old, make play room curtains, sew buttons back on the boys cardigans, prepare for the fairy festival, think of amazing things to do with the rust vintage dress I just found in my studio.

I will probably have to start with that last one, it sounds like tons of fun! Plus I just can't get the dress outta my head. Oh well, there is plenty of sewing and plenty of time, right?.....right....

last Saturday and this Saturday

After that last post; I went into my studio, boys in tow and everything! It was hot but doable; I sewed that dang button on Evan's shorts, altered two t-shirts to wear for dance, and pinned down the word "honey" on the banner....doesn't seem like much when it's written out, but for me it was amazing...sure every 10 minutes or so I had to tell one boy or the other not to bite, or not to climb, or clean up some mess they were in the process of making....but there was live music down stairs at cuppa for part of the evening, and good friends stopped in to bask in the glory of the mess the boys had made.... it was just an all around enjoyable afternoon.

Which I expect the same out of this Saturday too. I will be hosting a class for up-cycling clothes. By which I mean, when something you love has a tiny (or sizable) flaw, but you just can't part with it.....how you turn it into something you love even MORE. I will probably be working on t-shirts for dance, but will be helping anyone brainstorm how to improve something of theirs and how to accomplish what they want to do! Then of course there will be more live music and I always love that!

the list grows and grows

It seems as though I still haven't figured out that having twins puts a little bit of a crunch on my time to myself. I keep giving myself jobs to get done, of course before I get back to work as the dance teacher part of my life. But then I think of going to the studio to work, and then I remember how hectic it is with twins there, and how hot it could be up there on the second floor with one window and one tiny oscillating fan, and how much I have to pack up to make it through a few hours, and how by the time I get unpacked it will be time to nap/eat/cuddle/diaper....I'm not complaining, just saying I haven't really adjusted my expectations and it's been 17 months! By the time I do adjust they will probably be 5 years old and WAY easier to deal with. Such is life.....but I still need to get some of these projects done.

The banner....oh the huge banner that was supposed to be a birthday present in January....no not next January.....2011. January 9th to be exact, but I just have to sew the letters on...just sew the letters on the 10'x4' banner....

Baby stuff that was a gift for a baby shower 2 weeks ago. I wrote an i.o.u in the card, but really that baby is gonna be here within the next two months. It's nothing mom can't live without for the first few months of baby's life. Stuff like a wet bag, for cloth diapers (which she's not doing until they get a washer), restaurant high chair cover, and diaper covers.....it is all actually really simple....without twins.

Then my personal projects keep piling up! Curtains for the boys room, ballet skirts, shirts for dance, leg warmers.....oh and they all sound so fun! Plus I just bought a pattern for a really cute dress that I wouldn't mind wearing for family pictures next month.....there is also the recital costume I want to re-vamp so JSA has another option for costumes this year. I have also been promising to sew a button on some shorts for Evan for oh I don't know 2 months....it's a button! C'mon! I've gotta get it together and get this list a little shorter!

I guess the goal is to get my studio cooled off so it's bearable to spend a few hours a week there! Evan even reminded me of Halloween last night too....Rock 'em Sock 'em  Boppers and Mr. and Mrs. Potato Head....Oh I am so excited for that!

Well, hopefully the next post is that I have finished my list and I am not bored ;) yeah right, like I'll ever be bored!

smooth sailing

So there have been some spells since I started this business (and blog) that have been quite dry creatively and productively...but I think we are headed for an end to that. The boys are FINALLY sleeping! I may be getting ahead of myself a little, tonight will mark night number 2 that they have slept through the night (if they make it) but I feel so refreshed and whole after just one FULL night's sleep that it is ridiculous! So of course since I feel so refreshed I am awake at 1 a.m. thinking and thinking of things to come. Like August classes, or starting to teach dance again in the fall, or just how to deal with a 103 heat index tomorrow, or how I want to organize a sewing group, or the party I'm gonna throw when the babes have slept through the night for a week (it will be quiet and in the middle of the night)...so many things to be excited for, and so many things to figure out.

August classes for starters. I am really not thrilled about the classes I thought I would teach. So I'm going to change them to something I will be excited for. I think since the up-cycle sewing one kinda went out the window in favor of working on other projects, that will be the first class in August, and that I will just have a sewing day for the other Saturday that I would teach a class.
August 19th I will be doing an up-cycle sewing class, where YOU bring in something you love that has one little (or big) flaw, like a stain, a tear, you don't like the way it hangs, too short, too long (get the idea), and we do something cool and fun to make it Perfect. Then on August 27th I will just open the studio to whoever wants to bring a project and sew while socializing. I think we will call it "sew-cializing" ha ha get it? oh man...they will both start at 1pm and go until 4pm (ish).

I think the "sew-cializing" will be something I continue into the school year. Once a month at least. I am going to be teaching a lot this year (not complaining) but I don't think I want to do sewing classes on top of dance, but the "sew-cializing" will be a good way to relax, unwind, and spend time with people my age! I think it will be fun, in the fall we can start working on Halloween costumes (my favorite), and then there is the Christmas season that we can work on gifts and then there is the new year where we can just play! I will have a birthday party to start planning but that probably won't involve sewing. "Sew-cializing" will be a bring your own maching (or not) and your own project, type of gathering and it will be the Second Saturday of every month, from 1p.m. until 4ish. There another thing settled in my mind! Actually I think that knocked a few things out of my mind.

I think I will be able to sleep with just the heat index to deal with tomorrow, and the party for sleeping babies....ahhh sleep, how I love you!

thinking of teaching...

so there has been some response to almost all the classes I have listed. Even if it's just saying in passing that people are interested in doing it, but not signing up per-say...except for the working with ties class....maybe a screen printing class instead. I could do the cheap pantyhose and embroidery hoop method...that would be fun and artistic and maybe generate more interest. We'll see, so far though I am really excited to teach these classes not only because I get to pass along valuable information but I am thinking it's a good way to get some projects done that I've had going for a long time! woo hoo!

Finally getting going again

I am putting my foot down! I am going to sew again and the babies are just going to have to deal with it! Not only am I going to sew I am actually going to do the classes I have been saying I was going to do forever! The first two classes will be in June.

On June 4th I will be teaching "practical sewing, by machine or hand"; we will go over simple things such as sewing on a button, hemming pants, fixing a seam, or any other simple question someone may have. It will be a great time to bring in your sewing machine that has been passed down through the ages and you aren't sure how to work it, we will figure it out together. Bring that pile of clothes that you have been meaning to mend but you're not sure how or just don't have the confidence, we'll get through it together. The fee for this class will vary, depending on how long you stay and how much help you need. Please pre-register and we will talk about it then!

June 18th we will have some fun and alter a pair of pants into a fabulous skirt (like the one above). This will be an all hand sewing class (unless you choose otherwise). You have to supply the pair of pants to be altered and if you want me to supply the extra fabric it will be a $5-$10 charge. Otherwise it is $15 for the first hour and $10 for any hour after that. If you just want help getting the project started only stay for the first hour, if you want help through out the construction of your skirt, you are welcome to stay up to three hours! Yes, it may take that long, especially hand sewing, but think of all the compliments you will receive! Please pre-register for this class, so I can plan on where we will need to be.

All classes will be held at Art 634 at 1pm. If you have any questions or want to register please call me at 517-740-3698

I can't wait! I am giddy just thinking about it! I am already planning the rest of the summer classes and I will post descriptions later, but just to wet your appetite:


July 2nd: sewing from a pattern
July 16th: up-cycle sewing
August 13th: working with ties
August 27th: fabric art, 2D and 3D

may be getting somewhere

For a while I have been squelched by a project that should have been done well over 2 months ago and is still sitting in my studio. Since this project my life has been in turmoil, my husband and I found out we were pregnant then that a house we put and offer in on was accepted. Needless to say things are a changin'! But I almost my my second full length tie skirt complete...I will load pictures soon. It has taken me significantly longer than I had planned because I made some poor choices in materials....but have since removed nearly half the ties and proceeded to make the skirt the right size.
I have also made it through Halloween, making a wee little dragon costume, a 80's dancer costume for my pooch, and some really sweet leg warmers for myself.....again pictures to come later.
Now I am getting inspired for the holiday season. I have started making patches, that people can buy and use where ever they like, I have started ideas for some small fabric paintings that I should be able to sell at a reasonable price, I have a vision for mittens from sweaters, and also my awesome leg warmers..I plan on making more to sell! So needless to say I am becoming more motivated, and I should have some really cool stuff done by the end of this month!