misguided and confused

Every time that I have tried to "deal" with my past the same responses come up. I am dismissed as attention seeking. I am asked what I want to "get" out of it all. I am accused of stirring the pot.

It hurts. It hurts a lot. Maybe I am seeking attention. As a mother, I know that means that my children are lacking something if they are doing anything in their power to get my attention. I personally do not feel that is my goal. If that were my goal, I know ways that are much more painless.  

I have thought a lot on the question of what I want to "get" out of speaking up. I want to say, my only desire is to shed light on something that happens in families every day. That would be very noble, a cause behind the chaos in my head. But really, all I can say is, I don't know what I want. It is actually probably the hardest part for me to "deal" with. I am a semi motivated person. If I have a goal, I can reach it. If I want something I can get there. But in this situation, I have absolutely NO idea what in the hell I want. Or do I?

Maybe I want to die. That will bring an end about. This is not to say I want to cease to live, or that I will take my own life. But, upon reflection, trying to discern what it is I want, I want the hurt feelings, mean words, condescension, and second guessing to stop. But as long as I breath, as long as I am a part, it will go on. So that leaves me one thing to desire. Please, don't take this as a suicide note. I have much more to live for than you will ever know. 3 sweet faces who hug me when I cry, telling me that maybe I will feel better tomorrow. Little arms that don't really understand why I just screamed when they wrapped around my thigh, but are willing to cuddle when I calm down. Little voices that say, "I love you, all the way to the end". I will not shorten my life voluntarily. No, even if I feel like that is the only thing that will solve the pain, frustration, and sadness in my body. 

Along with the one thing I know I want (that I will not get until it comes naturally) I know what I DON'T want. Stop calling me beautiful. I don't want to be attractive. I don't want that attention. Believe it or not, I don't like all eyes on me. I never have, it makes me feel dirty. I would rather hide in a group, preferably the back of a group. You don't have to believe this (what woman doesn't want to be beautiful?) but it is my truth. 

I also want the accusations to stop. Accusing me of a selective memory, or of being misguided and confused. EVERYONE has a selective memory. My abuser has decided to not have any memory of the most awful parts of my life that he was a key player in. Misguided would make it seem like someone is helping me along in this journey. I am alone. Confused is not even close to the mix of emotions I feel.

What would you do in my position? Sweep it under the rug? Walk away? Go on pretending in life that you are "normal"? How do you think I should react? Therapy? Medication? 

I really am at a loss. 

Truth and Identity

Moms say it all the time, "tell the truth", but then at some point there may be two conflicting stories. Then what? Then does truth simply not exist any more?

When my truth was first shared with my parents and my brother said none of it ever happened, their answer is to say that they believe we are both telling the truth.

I am sure in their position it is hard to imagine one child violating the other so badly. It is hard to understand as a sibling, why another sibling would want so much control and hurt you so much in the process. The whole situation is hard, depressing, demoralizing, and  frustrating.

My truth and my brother's truth are at odds. My truth is that I experienced a series of events that were traumatizing, uncomfortable, and inappropriate. My brother's truth is that those experiences never took place. When those two truths are believed in tandem does that make the truth go away and the situation disappear? Or does it just make the victim disappear, because the second truth makes the first truth void.

My parents want me to feel supported and believed, but I feel void.
________________________________________________________________________________

I have been called a bitch as long as I can remember. I have recently been called a coward and vindictive. Consistently I have been told I act like my father (not as a compliment usually). My identity has been founded on these negative, and somewhat vague yet encompassing descriptors.

I have been told I am talented, a good friend, and wonderful mother. I am self proclaimed "awesome" at pretty much anything I attempt. I am sure there have been many other compliments that I just don't hear because.... well because they are void since the negative in the previous statement has been repeated often enough that it must be true.

I even identified myself as a bitch most of my high school career. Very few people were treated kindly by me. I was living up to my title. I feel awful about it now, I wish I could call all the boys I made cry by saying nasty things and tell them how sorry I am. I wish I could take back my high school years and be the gentle, loving, and helpful person I wish to truly be.
 ________________________________________________________________________________

I am told he is my brother. He was that first maybe.

But, I feel, he is my hell. He was that more consistently.

Can those ever be reconciled?