Shoes

Repeatedly it has been pointed out to me what a difficult situation this must be for my parents. I usually shrug. I don't really know what they go through, because my family has never had open communication about the situation. Even in this online "anonymous" format, I refer to what happened in vague terms, and I keep it pretty general. I have never been taught how to talk about it, or how to express my feelings that are a direct result of what happened to me. But just because I don't know exactly what they are going through, or thinking, does not mean I can not imagine. I have actually imagined quite a bit, what I would do if one of my children hurt the other in the way that I was hurt. I have imagined my immediate reaction, the emotions, and my long lasting reaction. I have imagined if I had found out when the abuse was still taking place, what differences there might be in my reaction. I have imagined how my reaction would be different if I did not find out about the abuse until it was "too late" and one child had harmed the other to an "irreparable" state.  How would I react differently if I were to walk in on an abuse taking place. I can not say what is appropriate as a reaction from my parents. But I can say that I know my reactions in any of my imagined situations would be lacking.

Much to many people's surprise, I do not think that I am perfect. Quite the opposite actually. I am broken, imperfect, and a very big mess. I don't think that I would produce the perfect response to any situation if my children are ever the object of abuse, or abusers themselves. But I know I would not walk away. Or pretend there is no hurt, or hide my feelings, or put on a brave front. Even now when the boys are hurt with a stubbed toe, or falling in the midst of the mess of toys they just made, I cry with them. I tell them that when you are hurt, it is ok to cry. This has taken me a while, I don't remember crying when I needed to most. I remember being strong and brave (and very angry). 

I have felt lately that I needed to make a decision. My family has not handled this situation in any way that is healing for me. I have felt like I need to walk away, stop the pain, take care of myself for my children. Then a friend loaned me a book, "Outgrowing the Pain". It was a quick read, thank goodness, and it made several points that I needed reaffirmed. One of which is that I am not alone. I may feel alone if I don't do what my family wants from me, but if their love is contingent on me acting in certain ways than maybe what they want me to do is more for their benefit than mine. (This realization was not one that I connected with my parents, more the abuser.) But just the fact that I wrote that disclaimer makes me think. Why do I need to clarify? If the shoe fits the reader they should wear it. 

I still do a lot in my life to try and win the affection of my parents. I think I always will. Not to say that my parents don't love me. They provided shelter, food, and dance classes (which has turned into a therapeutic activity), for me throughout my life; they have loved me the best they know how. I do not fault them for any of the things that happened to me by someone else's hand, or by my own. I think had they known they would have done "something" to have stopped it. Maybe send me away, or hire a babysitter, or something. But they never knew, they had to work, so they could provide their love for me.(which I do not say with a sarcastic tone, I truly believe they were doing what they felt was best for their children)

All I can do now is to internalize what I can do for my children. I can take the knowledge that I have from my experience and try to prevent the cycle from continuing. I try to maintain our priority in my family to be loving time and experiences. I let my children scream out their feelings, when they are done I talk with them about how they feel, how they are making me feel, and what we can do. I am by no means perfect, I feel like I have to keep saying that because I am saying how hard I try, and I do not want it assumed that I think I am any better than my parents. I still slam things, but then I talk about it. Why I did it, how it made me feel, how I probably shouldn't have done it. My boys know I am imperfect, but at the end of the day, they still want some cuddles. They still want just one more hug. 

I have always avoided counseling for the abuse. I tried once, the therapist told me I should try cutting ties with my family. I stopped going. That is still one of the scariest things for me. Why? I feel alone already, and I am constantly looking for ways to win approval or affection. Maybe it is time that I step back and let someone else earn my love, earn my trust. Maybe I should go back to therapy and listen....maybe....or maybe I should continue on the way it's been. Continue to love myself and wonder why I am not worthy. Continue to hate myself and wonder why he is worthy. Maintain a false smile, remember to say "we're good", and just hope that some day the discussion will happen and the elephant will be evicted from the room. Or give up hope.