invisible forgiveness

People like to assume that I need to forgive what has happened. This is something that seems to come up a lot. It is hard to people to know what is in another's heart, which, in my opinion, is where forgiveness resides, but the difficulty doesn't stop anyone. They still like to believe if I could just forgive my brother than all would be resolved. The whole family could get along; I could stop having anxiety; I could stop having sensory issues; and the sun would shine all the time and a smile would be plastered on my face.

I would like to think that I have forgiven my brother. I certainly do not wish ill upon him, and I obviously have not forgotten anything he has done in the past. So what would it look like for me to forgive him? In my opinion it means being neutral. I have never told my children that my brother is a bad man. I have remained neutral in my explanations to them about why I am not allowed around my niece. I do not feel any hate towards him, but I also do not feel any love. All I feel is an dull sense of duty. Duty as a sister, such that if his family is in need I will do my duty, in a comfortable way for me. So, have I forgiven him?

Let's say that this situation was different. Let's pretend I was married to a man who belittled me, told me I was worthless, and all my friends were just pity friends. Would you encourage me to forgive him daily and stay in the marriage? Now pretend I was dating a man who thought that it was acceptable to hit me if he was upset with the way I folded his laundry. Would that man deserve my forgiveness every laundry day, I mean he really does love me. Finally pretend that I am in a crowded room and there is a man I have never met who decided to take advantage of the crowd by touching me in ways that are violating, even when I ask for it to stop and try to move away he follows and continues. Should I just forgive him and allow the crowd to excuse his actions?

I am hoping that anyone reading this could agree, that in every one of those situations it would be necessary to somehow take control of the situation. In an emotionally abusive relationship, end the relationship. In a physically abusive relationship end the relationship. In a situation involving inappropriate touch, get out of the crowded room. There comes a time when the person that is uncomfortable or being hurt has to put an end to it, otherwise the abuser is winning. They are maintaining control. So for the safety and health of the abused they need to do whatever is necessary to end the relationship OR cause the cycle of abuse to end.

I would like to emphasize the OR in my last sentence. I have been urged and encouraged to END all ties with my brother. I have not listened to that advice. I have never felt like that is a decision I have been allowed to make. There are family functions to consider, what about Easter, Christmas, Thanksgiving. If I walk away from a relationship with my brother, I walk away from a relationship with my family, because, well, I am the one walking away. That's not a decision a person who has such a history can make. When I already feel unimportant to the family, I want to somehow maintain my space in the unit. Even if it is not what I think it could/should be. Why? Why is that position so important? Because I have no identity without it. But I think those thoughts are for another day.

The cycle of abuse can only be ended by the abuser. Even when the physical abuse ends, that does not guarantee the emotional abuse has come to an end. Unfortunately, in a family situation, the emotional abuse can be disguised as concern, it can be defended as an act of love. The only one to determine the appropriateness of the interactions is the abused, whether their view is skewed or not. In my situation, I can not stand being told what to do. It was an intrinsic element to my abuse. I can take direction, as long as directions are given to me in a loving manner. But barking orders at me, or flat out demanding I do things a certain way will not work with me (not that I am sure it works with anyone). I am not a puppet. This is the abuse that continues as long as there is a "relationship" between my brother and I. And of course, it's because he "loves" me.

On January 9th of 2013 I got a phone call from my brother, demanding I have my baby or "my FAMILY" would be admitting me to the hospital for "proper care". I was 3 weeks and 3 days past my ESTIMATED due date, similar to the nearly 4 weeks my mom was past her date when pregnant with me. I had regular visits with my midwife, there was no reason for concern. If there was a reason for concern I would have been directed to a medical facility by my midwife. I was already in labor at this point, I had gotten a massage the night before to trigger labor. As soon as that demand came out of his mouth I began to mentally fight my body and the birth. There was NO way in hell I was going to do what he said this time. Babies coming into the world is a battle that you can't win if you decide to fight though. My baby made his way into the world. Because I fought so hard, I refused my body's desire to be in a hands and knees position all day. I refused my body's desire for my hips to move in circles. I believe this prevented my baby from being in the most comfortable position for birth. He was delivered in a posterior position, at a whopping 11 pounds, it did not work well. I ended up with excessive bleeding, and was transferred via ambulance to the hospital. Like I said, babies coming into the world is not a force to be fought.

I had a close friend accompany me to the hospital, along with my husband, and my midwife. I left the baby in the loving arms of my mother to prevent the hospital admitting him. The doctor that fixed the damage the birth caused was gentle, understanding, and very kind. Once the procedure was done I was informed that I had visitors. Surprised as I was that I had visitors, I was more surprised who it was. My oldest brother, his girlfriend, and my other brother. My oldest brother and his girlfriend, smiled and nodded, said they were happy everyone was healthy and alive, and made a few jokes. My other brother on the other hand, took the opportunity to belittle my decisions for care. Started to demand that if I am to have more children I WILL do it the "right" way and go to the hospital, and I should stop being so selfish. Of course, it's definitely his place to tell me what to do. His job to decide what is best for my health, family, and MY body.

It didn't end there. He visited in the hospital twice giving demanding lectures every time; sent me long emails telling me what to do, where I went wrong, how I was selfish, and all kinds of other very nice, encouraging comments. I let it roll off my back. I had a beautiful baby, and two amazing toddlers. I ignored him. I felt empowered from all the hormones. It was incredible. So empowered I decided to change the course of the abuse. I decided he had no power. (That obviously is not one hundred percent true, it has not worked perfectly, I am not always empowered. There have been several times I have been powerless, alone, vulnerable, and empty. But it's a work in progress.)

Then when I started to stand up for myself , tell my family I didn't want to be around him. This whole forgiveness issue came up. Can't I forgive him, and still desire to end the emotional abuse? Or do I have to go through the abuse regularly and repeatedly forgive him? Or do I have to walk away from all of it?

A Letter to my Niece

Dear Melia,
Today was your third birthday! I can't believe you are already 3; and I can't believe how little I know you.

I have thought of you every day since you were born. Some days I cry for you. Three years ago I tried very hard to make myself a part of your life. I offered help to your mom, I made things that would help your infancy, I was always on the lookout for things your parents might use with/for you, and I just hoped that I would be allowed to form a bonding relationship with you. I wanted to be the most perfect Aunt. I am sorry that I seem to have failed at that miserably; maybe that is part of why I cry. I know my tears will never make me a better aunt, and I know that there is a good possibility that you will never understand why I cry instead of just "stepping it up". I hope that someday, maybe, you and I can have a conversation that could clear that up.

But for now, I want to write for you what is real at this present moment. I have stirred up quite a bit of emotion in the family recently. I did not do this to make myself the center of attention. I did not do it to make someone else have a difficult life. I did what I felt has been necessary for some time. I tattled on your daddy. I am sorry, I know tattling is wrong and that you should always try to handle problems with your words and let other people's decisions be their problem, even if what they are doing is wrong. But sometimes you HAVE to tattle, even on someone that you are taught you should care about and trust unconditionally. Sometimes that person can be hurting you, touching you wrong, or telling you so many untruths about yourself that they make you think YOU are a bad person. NONE of these things should EVER happen. I want you to know, that tattling is GOOD if any of these things happen.

That is what happened with your daddy and I. While we were growing up he did all of those things to me, over and over. He never stopped when I wanted him to, and he always made me think that tattling would make things worse. I was so afraid that I did not tattle on him until 12 years after it stopped. Now there is nothing anyone can do to teach your daddy that what he did was wrong. Because of that, I feel horribly guilty. Which can be a bit confusing for me, especially because my mind tells me that I should be angry instead of guilty. I just can't help but think that if I had tattled on him sooner, he may have been forced into counseling, then he would know that there are certain boundaries that do not get crossed. Maybe he would think differently about the world in general; think that girls are just as good as boys, that emotions are just as valuable as money, or maybe that the world does not revolve around him. I may have helped him to become a better person if I had tattled on him instead of being so afraid and letting his actions continue. NEVER be afraid to tattle!

I was afraid of so many things, and one of them was that nobody would believe me. I will believe you. If you are ever being hurt and you want a safe place to talk, I will listen. I will believe you, and I will do my damnedest to make sure the hurting stops.

I always thought that what I felt was wrong. Your emotions are yours, you are right, you are perfect. We all have emotions for a reason, and you can never be wrong for feeling any certain emotion. Sometimes it is a lot more complicated than what you can identify right away, and if you need a safe place to talk, and figure out your deepest feelings, I will listen. 

I always thought I was alone. YOU are not alone. Even if I can't be an active part of your life now, I have a love for you that is like nothing I have ever felt. I will always be here for you, I will never force myself on you, but you are NOT alone.

I had a safe Uncle while I was growing up, and I have hoped so much that I could be that for you. I know there is still time, but I fear that your daddy is so mad at me for tattling that he isn't going to let me spend much time with you to build that relationship up. I just hope that you can someday see my love for you, and make a decision yourself that you want to spend time with me. I will be with you as fast as I can.

I can not imagine how many things I have missed out on, but I am grateful for the glimpses that I have had into your life and spending time with you. I even got to take care of you one day. It was amazing, you played with your cousins so well, we sang songs, threw toys, figured things out, and read stories. You were not thrilled to be away from your mom, but we got through that. I offered to take you more, but it never happened. 

Please know, that even though you are beautiful, that is not all there is to you. You are a spirited little girl, you have a wonderfully warm smile, and you are always willing to share a hug with your cousins. I hope that you keep your spirit as you grow, challenge what your daddy thinks girls should be, stand up for yourself always, and change the world with your love.

I hope I get to be a part of your life's journey at some point.

xo
Aunt Koren