importance is important

It's been a long time. October '13 until now. I haven't taken the time to listen to myself, to write, to understand, to try. Why? Well I guess just because I'm not that important.... that is not said to receive pity, to point the finger, or to gain attention. It's true.

As long as I can remember I have been reminded that in the big picture, I just don't matter. This all relates to previous posts you know. Abusers make sure their will is what is heard. Society at a whole like to down play women as naive, less than, or just misinformed. There are two strikes against the importance I may have learned to place on myself at some point. But really, have I ever been taught to value myself? Aren't we taught as children that someone, somewhere else, has it worse than us? The children in Ethiopia who have no food, when a child does not particularly care for the food in front of them. The children who would love to have my walk-man when all I want is an iPod...

So what teaches a person they are valuable? Actions. Follow through. Listening. Genuine concern.

So you say you are sorry that most of my childhood I had a very dark secret that I was scared to death to share? Thank you, I am sorry for it too. Would you mind talking to me about it? I could really use someone to listen and possibly cry with me. Some righteous anger would be nice to see. A little bit of ice cream, a little advice, some hugs. Oh, right that would be uncomfortable because you feel bad for him too.... Got it. I will go and keep my secret to myself some more. Thanks for the initial thought though, it makes me feel really.... unimportant.

So you say that you wish I could slow down and take care of myself? Oh, you have no idea how much I agree. Could you take the boys for a few hours so I can set up my sewing room, make a hair appointment, date my husband, take a shower, or any other plethora of things I would love to do for my soul? Oh you're busy, yeah I know, we're all busy. Thanks for the concern about me taking care of myself, at least even if I am not important, I am at least thought of....

So you need my help, encouragement, or direction. Yeah, sure, when can we get together?

See, this is the pattern of my life. I have amazing friends. Some know a lot about the deep dark, have listened, have given me ice cream, hugs, and support. They have watched my kids in a pinch for me to work, shower, or any other thing that might come up.... but they are also not the ones who say trite things. None of my good friends have apologized for my experiences, they have spit with anger, told me I am beautiful and reminded me that without that I wouldn't be here. They have seen how ragged I am and offered to watch the boys for an hour, or two, or more.

So why, why am I not important? My friends did not teach me that I was UN-important, so they are having a hard time teaching me that I AM important.

I made it a year (Jan9-Jan9) without an episode of depression. Considering Liam was born on the day that my "abuser" was celebrating his own life I see this as a very good accomplishment. But all of a sudden I am surrounded by this feeling of sadness, unworthiness, just being unimportant. It's hard to shake, I will, because I am important. But it is hard, so very hard. But I will, in time.