It's been a long time. October '13 until now. I haven't taken the time to listen to myself, to write, to understand, to try. Why? Well I guess just because I'm not that important.... that is not said to receive pity, to point the finger, or to gain attention. It's true.
As long as I can remember I have been reminded that in the big picture, I just don't matter. This all relates to previous posts you know. Abusers make sure their will is what is heard. Society at a whole like to down play women as naive, less than, or just misinformed. There are two strikes against the importance I may have learned to place on myself at some point. But really, have I ever been taught to value myself? Aren't we taught as children that someone, somewhere else, has it worse than us? The children in Ethiopia who have no food, when a child does not particularly care for the food in front of them. The children who would love to have my walk-man when all I want is an iPod...
So what teaches a person they are valuable? Actions. Follow through. Listening. Genuine concern.
So you say you are sorry that most of my childhood I had a very dark secret that I was scared to death to share? Thank you, I am sorry for it too. Would you mind talking to me about it? I could really use someone to listen and possibly cry with me. Some righteous anger would be nice to see. A little bit of ice cream, a little advice, some hugs. Oh, right that would be uncomfortable because you feel bad for him too.... Got it. I will go and keep my secret to myself some more. Thanks for the initial thought though, it makes me feel really.... unimportant.
So you say that you wish I could slow down and take care of myself? Oh, you have no idea how much I agree. Could you take the boys for a few hours so I can set up my sewing room, make a hair appointment, date my husband, take a shower, or any other plethora of things I would love to do for my soul? Oh you're busy, yeah I know, we're all busy. Thanks for the concern about me taking care of myself, at least even if I am not important, I am at least thought of....
So you need my help, encouragement, or direction. Yeah, sure, when can we get together?
See, this is the pattern of my life. I have amazing friends. Some know a lot about the deep dark, have listened, have given me ice cream, hugs, and support. They have watched my kids in a pinch for me to work, shower, or any other thing that might come up.... but they are also not the ones who say trite things. None of my good friends have apologized for my experiences, they have spit with anger, told me I am beautiful and reminded me that without that I wouldn't be here. They have seen how ragged I am and offered to watch the boys for an hour, or two, or more.
So why, why am I not important? My friends did not teach me that I was UN-important, so they are having a hard time teaching me that I AM important.
I made it a year (Jan9-Jan9) without an episode of depression. Considering Liam was born on the day that my "abuser" was celebrating his own life I see this as a very good accomplishment. But all of a sudden I am surrounded by this feeling of sadness, unworthiness, just being unimportant. It's hard to shake, I will, because I am important. But it is hard, so very hard. But I will, in time.
I may have taught you to put your needs below those of others by my example but I did not do it on purpose. That was what I was taught by my Mother. (Not an excuse, just a fact) I tried my best to offer support and understanding but I fall short of what you want or need on a regular basis. I may never be or give enough.You are a beautiful, brilliant, talented women and worthy of all that is wonderful. I can not take the damage that was done away and only now am understanding how to try to heal my own brokeness. I love you more than you will ever acknowledge, the offer to listen has been left up to your availability. Yes I am busy but with "planning" I will be available.
ReplyDeleteThe last attempt made to discuss anything, though it was with Dad, turned into a time to tell me that I am a bad aunt, and a looking to gain some sort of revenge. I am not either of those things. And how are you available? I am not available because when I ask for help, set a time, and plan, something more important comes up. EVERY time, showing me my importance.
ReplyDeleteKoren;
ReplyDeleteYour selective memory astounds me. Your mother and I have always been there for you, but it has always been left to YOUR convenience. If all you left with from our discussion was that you're "a bad Aunt", I am sorry for your perceptions. Your mother and I have been nothing but supportive of you, we have put ourselves out, (which parents do) whenever there was a need. Your constant self-belittlement hurts us both, we have never said, insinuated, or implied that you anything less than a beautiful, intelligent, extraordinary girl/daughter and now woman/mother. Placing the blame on us is neither accurate nor helpful to you. We are always here for you and that will never change.
Dad
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ReplyDeleteThe most brutal and despicable thing about human beings is our ability to choose; you know free will? Christians like to think we were endowed this "power" to have dominion over the each other and the earth, while the more enlightened understand it is an ability used to take care of each other and the earth, though their number is in the extreme minority. This ability has allowed for the two largest handicaps of human existence to dominate our societies; greed and manipulation. Some call it all evil but there is no evil in this world unless brought here in the heart of man. Evil is not a natural thing nor is it supported by any natural creature. Do not mistake it for the brutality of nature, life killing life to survive and carry on, nor should you elevate yourself above even the smallest lifeforms as "superior" for inferior is a better description our capacity for harming ourselves and each other is historically validated as unlimited. This is a much more important concept to understand than anything posted in this blog. Abuse, in case any of you that read this have even a modicum of social intelligence, is almost always perpetrated by the abused, it is a cycle, and when someone is truly abused in this manner the only place to find peace is from within - not from manipulating others to gain assets or attention - not from self help books or overpaid "doctors" - not from people you surround yourself with that are called friends yet offer no challenge nor plan of correction - not from "Jesus" or any of his contemporaries; it all comes from inside. Self expression in this pseudo-social technological manner is not cathartic it is purely for regard and validation not recovery of deep seeded issues, that can only be done by yourself with yourself. Your search for whatever it is, attention, money, power, cannot be completed without a mirror first and last.
DeleteAs a note to those who judge - yours is the most egregious of actions as you bring more anger and misconception to situations with your perpetration of a one sided discussion - if you want to go and blindly agree or disagree with whatever you read or hear without proper research or even second thoughts I suggest several religions or political sites would serve as a better outlet for your stupidity than the misdirected personal quest of a confused young lady. You who cast stones, point fingers, and rail against the imagined evils of this world are the most likely to be hiding secrets even more shocking than those you feed on.
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DeleteIt is mine to deal with. I am not arguing that point. I will deal with it, but why do I have to be quiet to do so? Why won't anyone talk with me in person? See my passion, see my pain. Is it easier to dismiss because you can't see the tears streaming down my face right now? Because you can't hear the crack in my voice as I explain how I feel?
DeleteI feel for all involved but the love of your parents will never fade and that goes for both children. Reading your blog makes me feel for your parents, they are being called out for loving both of their children. I could not imagine what they are going through, trying to be there for you but still loving their son. Since you have children yourself you know the love parents have for their children. they are not the ones who abused you but seem to be the ones being attacked, and in a public blog. I am not defending your abuser in anyway just the feelings of your parents.
ReplyDeleteI am not trying to call them out for loving their son. He is in need of love. I am sorting through my feelings. This is a part of the cycle that has never happened before. I am usually quick to push the feelings all back inside and let it fester some more until the next time I can not take it any more and they all come spilling forth again. I am trying to "deal". Is there a way I should be able to "deal" that does not involve my parents?
DeleteI believe it should involve your parents but in a more positive way. They are probably struggling to "deal" with the fact that their own daughter went through this horrible nightmare as a child and it was because of their son.. The son they raised, where did they go wrong, why couldn't they protect you, why did they not raise him better. There is not a book to tell them the right and wrong way to "deal" with this. They sound like they are there for you but not in the way you hope. The only suggestion I have is to keep a open mind, realize this has affected more than just you and work together to heal together. Look at the bigger picture in life, look at the little boys who would gain more love if you don't block loved ones out of yours. I do have compassion for you and hope you can get past this. Holding resentment against your family will only let the pain you feel and the memory of the past remain.
DeleteI am not sure that resentment is what I hold against my family. I can also understand the struggle as a parent. Part of what prompts my thoughts about this on a daily basis are my children. I have not cut ANYONE out of their lives. Even when they ask to go see my brother, whom I am uncomfortable around, I will make arrangements for them to see him. It is an interesting thing to say that my family is not there for me how I would hope, I have tried to explain what I hope for, then wait for middle ground and it never comes. I appreciate the words that my parents are "there" for me, I truly do. What I hope for is better, more thoughtful and loving communication.
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ReplyDeleteEvan, I am saddened by the turn this has taken, the perception that we (her parents) are treating our daughter poorly. Admittedly we are all entitled to our own perception of any situation. As the anonymous writer on this blog (who delivered the same message to my son and his wife by card to their doorstep) pointed out "you where not there". No one knows what transpired but the two involved and then again don't we all remember things with our own perception? I carry my own guilt for the matter; I fight my own demons over this. The "what if's" controlling my thoughts are abundant. The fact that you want to bring to light abuse of all women is admirable but am I not a woman? Isn't my son’s wife a woman? Have you even thought what this open discussion has brought down on us? I am not minimizing my daughter’s pain; I have made many attempts to get her help. As I stated in my earlier post, my efforts will never be "enough". I cannot give her back her innocence, cannot take memories away from her mind. I have offered, sympathy, empathy, advice, resources, techniques I have learned to find peace. Short of a miracle I have no idea what will heal this family now. I do know that if you want to strike the final blow you know exactly how to do it, which is a form of the abuse you are so against. We are all tormented by the past action(s) and to diminish any ones feelings for another cannot be the answer. Mom
ReplyDeleteEvan nor I wanted to open these wounds again. They caused us enough pain and confusion without them being fresh. I have relived the pain, confusion, loss, and all other emotions recently to "help" you understand what happened by writing them down. I don't think you wanted this to happen. I didn't want this to happen. You wanted to understand, I wanted to please you and "help". What's done is done. Do not be angry at Evan about his anger. I am so sorry that this has had an effect on Keith's wife, what about my husband? The effect on him is not important? Who has had to look into my eyes for the last 8 years, see the pain and try to help....daily. It is a choice he made, he knew what he was getting when he married me. He knew my past, my feelings, my tenuous relationship with my family. He is imperfect, as we all are, but it would be nice to recognize what all of this is doing to him as well.
DeleteI'm sorry. I have deleted my comments because I don't believe they are very constructive for the conversation. I apologize if the words I wrote were hurtful and condemning.
ReplyDelete