Moms say it all the time, "tell the truth", but then at some point there may be two conflicting stories. Then what? Then does truth simply not exist any more?
When my truth was first shared with my parents and my brother said none of it ever happened, their answer is to say that they believe we are both telling the truth.
I am sure in their position it is hard to imagine one child violating the other so badly. It is hard to understand as a sibling, why another sibling would want so much control and hurt you so much in the process. The whole situation is hard, depressing, demoralizing, and frustrating.
My truth and my brother's truth are at odds. My truth is that I experienced a series of events that were traumatizing, uncomfortable, and inappropriate. My brother's truth is that those experiences never took place. When those two truths are believed in tandem does that make the truth go away and the situation disappear? Or does it just make the victim disappear, because the second truth makes the first truth void.
My parents want me to feel supported and believed, but I feel void.
________________________________________________________________________________
I have been called a bitch as long as I can remember. I have recently been called a coward and vindictive. Consistently I have been told I act like my father (not as a compliment usually). My identity has been founded on these negative, and somewhat vague yet encompassing descriptors.
I have been told I am talented, a good friend, and wonderful mother. I am self proclaimed "awesome" at pretty much anything I attempt. I am sure there have been many other compliments that I just don't hear because.... well because they are void since the negative in the previous statement has been repeated often enough that it must be true.
I even identified myself as a bitch most of my high school career. Very few people were treated kindly by me. I was living up to my title. I feel awful about it now, I wish I could call all the boys I made cry by saying nasty things and tell them how sorry I am. I wish I could take back my high school years and be the gentle, loving, and helpful person I wish to truly be.
________________________________________________________________________________
I am told he is my brother. He was that first maybe.
But, I feel, he is my hell. He was that more consistently.
Can those ever be reconciled?
Keep writing, it helps. I wrote A LOT when I was about your age and going through similar feelings. I was lucky, I was believed. My uncle never denied it. But the feelings we internalize are hard to get past. I think it's very brave of you to talk about this. I believe you. Always.
ReplyDeleteLove ya.
Lori
no matter how many people believe me I will always long for the belief, protection, and understanding of my parents. But I really appreciate knowing you are there :) xo
ReplyDeleteI'm glad that you're writing. Others out there are being supported by your words and the fact that you are sharing and connecting is beautiful. I have also found that when I don't feel like my parents are taking me seriously on things that are important to me and also important for them to know - it translates into other parts of my life..and I may turn inward and self-loathe. But I'm not alone and you are someone that helps to remind me of that even when you aren't aware of it :) Your posts are very real and relatable and people with all types of struggles can appreciate and read and feel they are not alone. Lovelove you!
ReplyDelete