feelings on facebook

Humans crave community. We crave a group of people around us who can say "I know how you feel, I still love you, and let's work through this together"". We want to know we are loved and supported when we feel weak and alone. But we are so busy as a society, and so individualistic in our living situations that we have to find an alternative to satisfy this craving for a community. Enter social media, and a new obsession for our culture.

I am not getting on a soap box to say social media is evil, and is ruining human relationships, I feel like the opposite can be true of it. I know some of the people I am closest with at this point I first connected with through facebook. I am also seeing some of the down sides of social media (mostly facebook) and how it effects our relationships and interactions while being introspective about my mood, and emotions.

When I open my facebook I always fight the urge to post a status about how I am feeling. Why? Well, because I do not want to post how I am truly feeling, or what I am truly thinking. I want people to think I am 'ok'. So posting, "god, couldn't get out of bed, I have no will to live, but my children forced me awake" is not going to get my desired message across. I will also occasionally think throughout the day to post what I have accomplished, but I talk myself out of  it because I am not trying to say "look at me, I'm so productive", because I can accomplish the same feeling by writing my accomplishments on a piece of paper, and feel just a productive, then throw the paper away and I cleaned up AGAIN. 

I try to be cautious in what I post because I know everyone is reading it from their perspective of me, and their emotions of their day. It seems more difficult to me to read other's emotions in their status, or shared article, or meaningful quote, than it would be to understand their emotion if they were in my living room talking to me. Just like everyone else I read everything others post through my heightened emotion. It can seem pretty harmless to the poster, but because I am working through something that day, I can be extremely hurt by a simple post that is meant to help another person, why don't I get "helpful" posts? Or a celebratory post, why is my husband's birth never a reason to recognize the wonderful child his mother brought into this world? Or just a post about a craving or indulgence, why is everyone posting about Starbucks while my husband looks for alternate ways to pay our bills? I am not under the impression that the world revolves around me... no matter how much I would like it to, it never will. At least not for EVERYONE (my boys think I'm pretty awesome). But facebook rubs that in my face. Points out that this battle I fight is completely me against the invisible demons. Shows me that it is true, you can have over 300 "friends" and still only know the middles names of 10 of them, only remember 3 or their birthdays (without facebook help), only know the daily struggles of 5 of them, and know that you can only count on maybe 8 or 9 of them being there for you when you REALLY need it.  

Sometime I wonder why I still have an account on facebook, then I see all the fluffy good advice memes, and contemplate how they apply to my life... no, not really, I judge the person who posted it, and wonder if they see the contradiction their life holds against the meme they just posted...not every time maybe, but pretty often that is my reaction. How many times do you judge people by what they post? By which agenda they support? By how many times they "check-in" at certain businesses? By their lack of an educated opinion (in your "humble" opinion)? I think that another detriment to using social media to satiate our hunger for community is we can build our own community that agrees with all of our meme beliefs. I think it eliminates the opportunity for salons, discussions, and debates. Instead we all post a meme, backed up by a website, and punctuated with a "hell yeah!" on our part. Notice I am not eliminating myself, I am guilty of fluffy memes, removing people from my feed who "annoy" me because I don't agree with them, and judging people by what they post. 

What does this whole tirade have to do with my healing journey, well, I think that it is about time that I turn my facebook into something a little more healthy for me. I feel like it is a tool to communicate with people and keep in touch with loved ones who are a bit removed from my immediate area or unable to use a phone or car to initiate communication with me. I feel like it is important for me to develop relationships outside of this social media site before people are able to view my posts. I also feel that it is important for me to censor what I am seeing. 

Please do not feel slighted if I "unfriend" you, or if you can not see my content, know it means I would like to become closer with you on real life level before we connect virtually so I know how to interpret what you post, and you can understand more what I post. 

Never Alone

All it would take would be for him to say it didn't happen, and nobody will believe that it did, except for me. I can't erase the experience. I can't make the memory go away; the anxiety; the sadness; the pain. Regardless, if the world knows, or I keep it to myself, those things will be constant.

But they will all think I am crazy if he denies it, making up stories for attention. I don't want attention. I don't want anyone to look at me, let alone pay me any attention. If I don't say anything I only have to endure the attention from him. But if I say something maybe they will write me off as crazy and ignore me and he will stop. Or it could get worse.

I could end up alone. I am there now, but what if it got worse, what if my family didn't care to try and help me. What if nobody wants to talk to me because I am crazy; and if I am not making stories up, I am a disgusting thing that has been ruined and abused. I should stay alone. I shouldn't tell anyone.

He's right, nobody will believe me anyway.

NO!

Almost everything I was afraid of that kept me quiet has come true. 

This is not the first time I have said anything about the abuse. I first brought it up to the family 10 years ago, 2 years after it had stopped. It was denied, I was brushed off, and an elephant moved in with my parents. 8 years ago my husband brought it up again, denied again. 2 years ago it was brought up by my mother, resulting in a journal retelling the events, denied again and this time I am NOT going to stay quiet. 

What happened was wrong, and it did happen. It is unfortunate, but it happened. I don't even care so much that it happened, as much as I care that HE is 'winning'. Not just in the story that is my life, but anyone's story that has an abuser. The abusers are winning, because nobody will talk about it. I am NOT alone. I will never be alone. I don't need other people to believe me to validate a memory, or make it more real. It is the choice of someone hearing (or reading) my story to believe or not. 

Since I have said publicly that sexual abuse happens and children need a safe place to talk about it,  I seem to have lost my family. It is a tragic thing. But there is a part of me that wonders where they have been my whole life. Why stop pretending now? My friends have surrounded me and comforted me, but is there ever a replacement for that feeling of family? I have always wondered what it would feel like if I were to be believed wholeheartedly and someone were to choose me over someone else. I will never know that feeling. He is more worth a family I guess. Or maybe I am just strong enough to continue on without. 

I have been called vindictive, cowardly, and delusional in the past few weeks. I have been attacked, and I have been shown that the feeling of being alone was very real. 

But I have also been called brave, empowering, and strong in the past few weeks. I have been offered shoulders that I didn't know understood, and I have seen the power of a community. I will never be alone.

I see being alone as a very real fear. While I was growing up, my dog kept me company, and my cat. They both did things to show me support. I am not sure if they did it intentionally or if there were just karmic lessons my entire life, but I am glad I was not completely alone. I have been able to speak openly to close friends for years and found reassurance that they do not find me repulsive for the things that have happened in my past. They aren't even upset with the ways I handled my emotions poorly and those were choices I made. They still love and see the present me.

I still fear being alone late at night, like right now, when everyone is asleep. I want to sleep, but I can't, because my mind will not slow down. Why did I have to be right? Why can he erase it from his past with denial but I can't? Why am I being called names? How did I find such an amazing community that will never let me be alone?

Nobody is alone in a struggle, it is just finding the person to talk to and cry with. I will find them tomorrow.