Shoes

Repeatedly it has been pointed out to me what a difficult situation this must be for my parents. I usually shrug. I don't really know what they go through, because my family has never had open communication about the situation. Even in this online "anonymous" format, I refer to what happened in vague terms, and I keep it pretty general. I have never been taught how to talk about it, or how to express my feelings that are a direct result of what happened to me. But just because I don't know exactly what they are going through, or thinking, does not mean I can not imagine. I have actually imagined quite a bit, what I would do if one of my children hurt the other in the way that I was hurt. I have imagined my immediate reaction, the emotions, and my long lasting reaction. I have imagined if I had found out when the abuse was still taking place, what differences there might be in my reaction. I have imagined how my reaction would be different if I did not find out about the abuse until it was "too late" and one child had harmed the other to an "irreparable" state.  How would I react differently if I were to walk in on an abuse taking place. I can not say what is appropriate as a reaction from my parents. But I can say that I know my reactions in any of my imagined situations would be lacking.

Much to many people's surprise, I do not think that I am perfect. Quite the opposite actually. I am broken, imperfect, and a very big mess. I don't think that I would produce the perfect response to any situation if my children are ever the object of abuse, or abusers themselves. But I know I would not walk away. Or pretend there is no hurt, or hide my feelings, or put on a brave front. Even now when the boys are hurt with a stubbed toe, or falling in the midst of the mess of toys they just made, I cry with them. I tell them that when you are hurt, it is ok to cry. This has taken me a while, I don't remember crying when I needed to most. I remember being strong and brave (and very angry). 

I have felt lately that I needed to make a decision. My family has not handled this situation in any way that is healing for me. I have felt like I need to walk away, stop the pain, take care of myself for my children. Then a friend loaned me a book, "Outgrowing the Pain". It was a quick read, thank goodness, and it made several points that I needed reaffirmed. One of which is that I am not alone. I may feel alone if I don't do what my family wants from me, but if their love is contingent on me acting in certain ways than maybe what they want me to do is more for their benefit than mine. (This realization was not one that I connected with my parents, more the abuser.) But just the fact that I wrote that disclaimer makes me think. Why do I need to clarify? If the shoe fits the reader they should wear it. 

I still do a lot in my life to try and win the affection of my parents. I think I always will. Not to say that my parents don't love me. They provided shelter, food, and dance classes (which has turned into a therapeutic activity), for me throughout my life; they have loved me the best they know how. I do not fault them for any of the things that happened to me by someone else's hand, or by my own. I think had they known they would have done "something" to have stopped it. Maybe send me away, or hire a babysitter, or something. But they never knew, they had to work, so they could provide their love for me.(which I do not say with a sarcastic tone, I truly believe they were doing what they felt was best for their children)

All I can do now is to internalize what I can do for my children. I can take the knowledge that I have from my experience and try to prevent the cycle from continuing. I try to maintain our priority in my family to be loving time and experiences. I let my children scream out their feelings, when they are done I talk with them about how they feel, how they are making me feel, and what we can do. I am by no means perfect, I feel like I have to keep saying that because I am saying how hard I try, and I do not want it assumed that I think I am any better than my parents. I still slam things, but then I talk about it. Why I did it, how it made me feel, how I probably shouldn't have done it. My boys know I am imperfect, but at the end of the day, they still want some cuddles. They still want just one more hug. 

I have always avoided counseling for the abuse. I tried once, the therapist told me I should try cutting ties with my family. I stopped going. That is still one of the scariest things for me. Why? I feel alone already, and I am constantly looking for ways to win approval or affection. Maybe it is time that I step back and let someone else earn my love, earn my trust. Maybe I should go back to therapy and listen....maybe....or maybe I should continue on the way it's been. Continue to love myself and wonder why I am not worthy. Continue to hate myself and wonder why he is worthy. Maintain a false smile, remember to say "we're good", and just hope that some day the discussion will happen and the elephant will be evicted from the room. Or give up hope. 

feelings on facebook

Humans crave community. We crave a group of people around us who can say "I know how you feel, I still love you, and let's work through this together"". We want to know we are loved and supported when we feel weak and alone. But we are so busy as a society, and so individualistic in our living situations that we have to find an alternative to satisfy this craving for a community. Enter social media, and a new obsession for our culture.

I am not getting on a soap box to say social media is evil, and is ruining human relationships, I feel like the opposite can be true of it. I know some of the people I am closest with at this point I first connected with through facebook. I am also seeing some of the down sides of social media (mostly facebook) and how it effects our relationships and interactions while being introspective about my mood, and emotions.

When I open my facebook I always fight the urge to post a status about how I am feeling. Why? Well, because I do not want to post how I am truly feeling, or what I am truly thinking. I want people to think I am 'ok'. So posting, "god, couldn't get out of bed, I have no will to live, but my children forced me awake" is not going to get my desired message across. I will also occasionally think throughout the day to post what I have accomplished, but I talk myself out of  it because I am not trying to say "look at me, I'm so productive", because I can accomplish the same feeling by writing my accomplishments on a piece of paper, and feel just a productive, then throw the paper away and I cleaned up AGAIN. 

I try to be cautious in what I post because I know everyone is reading it from their perspective of me, and their emotions of their day. It seems more difficult to me to read other's emotions in their status, or shared article, or meaningful quote, than it would be to understand their emotion if they were in my living room talking to me. Just like everyone else I read everything others post through my heightened emotion. It can seem pretty harmless to the poster, but because I am working through something that day, I can be extremely hurt by a simple post that is meant to help another person, why don't I get "helpful" posts? Or a celebratory post, why is my husband's birth never a reason to recognize the wonderful child his mother brought into this world? Or just a post about a craving or indulgence, why is everyone posting about Starbucks while my husband looks for alternate ways to pay our bills? I am not under the impression that the world revolves around me... no matter how much I would like it to, it never will. At least not for EVERYONE (my boys think I'm pretty awesome). But facebook rubs that in my face. Points out that this battle I fight is completely me against the invisible demons. Shows me that it is true, you can have over 300 "friends" and still only know the middles names of 10 of them, only remember 3 or their birthdays (without facebook help), only know the daily struggles of 5 of them, and know that you can only count on maybe 8 or 9 of them being there for you when you REALLY need it.  

Sometime I wonder why I still have an account on facebook, then I see all the fluffy good advice memes, and contemplate how they apply to my life... no, not really, I judge the person who posted it, and wonder if they see the contradiction their life holds against the meme they just posted...not every time maybe, but pretty often that is my reaction. How many times do you judge people by what they post? By which agenda they support? By how many times they "check-in" at certain businesses? By their lack of an educated opinion (in your "humble" opinion)? I think that another detriment to using social media to satiate our hunger for community is we can build our own community that agrees with all of our meme beliefs. I think it eliminates the opportunity for salons, discussions, and debates. Instead we all post a meme, backed up by a website, and punctuated with a "hell yeah!" on our part. Notice I am not eliminating myself, I am guilty of fluffy memes, removing people from my feed who "annoy" me because I don't agree with them, and judging people by what they post. 

What does this whole tirade have to do with my healing journey, well, I think that it is about time that I turn my facebook into something a little more healthy for me. I feel like it is a tool to communicate with people and keep in touch with loved ones who are a bit removed from my immediate area or unable to use a phone or car to initiate communication with me. I feel like it is important for me to develop relationships outside of this social media site before people are able to view my posts. I also feel that it is important for me to censor what I am seeing. 

Please do not feel slighted if I "unfriend" you, or if you can not see my content, know it means I would like to become closer with you on real life level before we connect virtually so I know how to interpret what you post, and you can understand more what I post.