All it would take would be for him to say it didn't happen, and nobody will believe that it did, except for me. I can't erase the experience. I can't make the memory go away; the anxiety; the sadness; the pain. Regardless, if the world knows, or I keep it to myself, those things will be constant.
But they will all think I am crazy if he denies it, making up stories for attention. I don't want attention. I don't want anyone to look at me, let alone pay me any attention. If I don't say anything I only have to endure the attention from him. But if I say something maybe they will write me off as crazy and ignore me and he will stop. Or it could get worse.
I could end up alone. I am there now, but what if it got worse, what if my family didn't care to try and help me. What if nobody wants to talk to me because I am crazy; and if I am not making stories up, I am a disgusting thing that has been ruined and abused. I should stay alone. I shouldn't tell anyone.
He's right, nobody will believe me anyway.
NO!
Almost everything I was afraid of that kept me quiet has come true.
This is not the first time I have said anything about the abuse. I first brought it up to the family 10 years ago, 2 years after it had stopped. It was denied, I was brushed off, and an elephant moved in with my parents. 8 years ago my husband brought it up again, denied again. 2 years ago it was brought up by my mother, resulting in a journal retelling the events, denied again and this time I am NOT going to stay quiet.
What happened was wrong, and it did happen. It is unfortunate, but it happened. I don't even care so much that it happened, as much as I care that HE is 'winning'. Not just in the story that is my life, but anyone's story that has an abuser. The abusers are winning, because nobody will talk about it. I am NOT alone. I will never be alone. I don't need other people to believe me to validate a memory, or make it more real. It is the choice of someone hearing (or reading) my story to believe or not.
Since I have said publicly that sexual abuse happens and children need a safe place to talk about it, I seem to have lost my family. It is a tragic thing. But there is a part of me that wonders where they have been my whole life. Why stop pretending now? My friends have surrounded me and comforted me, but is there ever a replacement for that feeling of family? I have always wondered what it would feel like if I were to be believed wholeheartedly and someone were to choose me over someone else. I will never know that feeling. He is more worth a family I guess. Or maybe I am just strong enough to continue on without.
I have been called vindictive, cowardly, and delusional in the past few weeks. I have been attacked, and I have been shown that the feeling of being alone was very real.
But I have also been called brave, empowering, and strong in the past few weeks. I have been offered shoulders that I didn't know understood, and I have seen the power of a community. I will never be alone.
I see being alone as a very real fear. While I was growing up, my dog kept me company, and my cat. They both did things to show me support. I am not sure if they did it intentionally or if there were just karmic lessons my entire life, but I am glad I was not completely alone. I have been able to speak openly to close friends for years and found reassurance that they do not find me repulsive for the things that have happened in my past. They aren't even upset with the ways I handled my emotions poorly and those were choices I made. They still love and see the present me.
I still fear being alone late at night, like right now, when everyone is asleep. I want to sleep, but I can't, because my mind will not slow down. Why did I have to be right? Why can he erase it from his past with denial but I can't? Why am I being called names? How did I find such an amazing community that will never let me be alone?
Nobody is alone in a struggle, it is just finding the person to talk to and cry with. I will find them tomorrow.
28 September 2013
13 September 2013
A Letter to my Niece
Dear Melia,
Today was your third birthday! I can't believe you are already 3; and I can't believe how little I know you.
I have thought of you every day since you were born. Some days I cry for you. Three years ago I tried very hard to make myself a part of your life. I offered help to your mom, I made things that would help your infancy, I was always on the lookout for things your parents might use with/for you, and I just hoped that I would be allowed to form a bonding relationship with you. I wanted to be the most perfect Aunt. I am sorry that I seem to have failed at that miserably; maybe that is part of why I cry. I know my tears will never make me a better aunt, and I know that there is a good possibility that you will never understand why I cry instead of just "stepping it up". I hope that someday, maybe, you and I can have a conversation that could clear that up.
But for now, I want to write for you what is real at this present moment. I have stirred up quite a bit of emotion in the family recently. I did not do this to make myself the center of attention. I did not do it to make someone else have a difficult life. I did what I felt has been necessary for some time. I tattled on your daddy. I am sorry, I know tattling is wrong and that you should always try to handle problems with your words and let other people's decisions be their problem, even if what they are doing is wrong. But sometimes you HAVE to tattle, even on someone that you are taught you should care about and trust unconditionally. Sometimes that person can be hurting you, touching you wrong, or telling you so many untruths about yourself that they make you think YOU are a bad person. NONE of these things should EVER happen. I want you to know, that tattling is GOOD if any of these things happen.
That is what happened with your daddy and I. While we were growing up he did all of those things to me, over and over. He never stopped when I wanted him to, and he always made me think that tattling would make things worse. I was so afraid that I did not tattle on him until 12 years after it stopped. Now there is nothing anyone can do to teach your daddy that what he did was wrong. Because of that, I feel horribly guilty. Which can be a bit confusing for me, especially because my mind tells me that I should be angry instead of guilty. I just can't help but think that if I had tattled on him sooner, he may have been forced into counseling, then he would know that there are certain boundaries that do not get crossed. Maybe he would think differently about the world in general; think that girls are just as good as boys, that emotions are just as valuable as money, or maybe that the world does not revolve around him. I may have helped him to become a better person if I had tattled on him instead of being so afraid and letting his actions continue. NEVER be afraid to tattle!
I was afraid of so many things, and one of them was that nobody would believe me. I will believe you. If you are ever being hurt and you want a safe place to talk, I will listen. I will believe you, and I will do my damnedest to make sure the hurting stops.
I always thought that what I felt was wrong. Your emotions are yours, you are right, you are perfect. We all have emotions for a reason, and you can never be wrong for feeling any certain emotion. Sometimes it is a lot more complicated than what you can identify right away, and if you need a safe place to talk, and figure out your deepest feelings, I will listen.
I always thought I was alone. YOU are not alone. Even if I can't be an active part of your life now, I have a love for you that is like nothing I have ever felt. I will always be here for you, I will never force myself on you, but you are NOT alone.
I had a safe Uncle while I was growing up, and I have hoped so much that I could be that for you. I know there is still time, but I fear that your daddy is so mad at me for tattling that he isn't going to let me spend much time with you to build that relationship up. I just hope that you can someday see my love for you, and make a decision yourself that you want to spend time with me. I will be with you as fast as I can.
Please know, that even though you are beautiful, that is not all there is to you. You are a spirited little girl, you have a wonderfully warm smile, and you are always willing to share a hug with your cousins. I hope that you keep your spirit as you grow, challenge what your daddy thinks girls should be, stand up for yourself always, and change the world with your love.
I hope I get to be a part of your life's journey at some point.
xo
Aunt Koren
Today was your third birthday! I can't believe you are already 3; and I can't believe how little I know you.
I have thought of you every day since you were born. Some days I cry for you. Three years ago I tried very hard to make myself a part of your life. I offered help to your mom, I made things that would help your infancy, I was always on the lookout for things your parents might use with/for you, and I just hoped that I would be allowed to form a bonding relationship with you. I wanted to be the most perfect Aunt. I am sorry that I seem to have failed at that miserably; maybe that is part of why I cry. I know my tears will never make me a better aunt, and I know that there is a good possibility that you will never understand why I cry instead of just "stepping it up". I hope that someday, maybe, you and I can have a conversation that could clear that up.
But for now, I want to write for you what is real at this present moment. I have stirred up quite a bit of emotion in the family recently. I did not do this to make myself the center of attention. I did not do it to make someone else have a difficult life. I did what I felt has been necessary for some time. I tattled on your daddy. I am sorry, I know tattling is wrong and that you should always try to handle problems with your words and let other people's decisions be their problem, even if what they are doing is wrong. But sometimes you HAVE to tattle, even on someone that you are taught you should care about and trust unconditionally. Sometimes that person can be hurting you, touching you wrong, or telling you so many untruths about yourself that they make you think YOU are a bad person. NONE of these things should EVER happen. I want you to know, that tattling is GOOD if any of these things happen.
That is what happened with your daddy and I. While we were growing up he did all of those things to me, over and over. He never stopped when I wanted him to, and he always made me think that tattling would make things worse. I was so afraid that I did not tattle on him until 12 years after it stopped. Now there is nothing anyone can do to teach your daddy that what he did was wrong. Because of that, I feel horribly guilty. Which can be a bit confusing for me, especially because my mind tells me that I should be angry instead of guilty. I just can't help but think that if I had tattled on him sooner, he may have been forced into counseling, then he would know that there are certain boundaries that do not get crossed. Maybe he would think differently about the world in general; think that girls are just as good as boys, that emotions are just as valuable as money, or maybe that the world does not revolve around him. I may have helped him to become a better person if I had tattled on him instead of being so afraid and letting his actions continue. NEVER be afraid to tattle!
I was afraid of so many things, and one of them was that nobody would believe me. I will believe you. If you are ever being hurt and you want a safe place to talk, I will listen. I will believe you, and I will do my damnedest to make sure the hurting stops.
I always thought that what I felt was wrong. Your emotions are yours, you are right, you are perfect. We all have emotions for a reason, and you can never be wrong for feeling any certain emotion. Sometimes it is a lot more complicated than what you can identify right away, and if you need a safe place to talk, and figure out your deepest feelings, I will listen.
I always thought I was alone. YOU are not alone. Even if I can't be an active part of your life now, I have a love for you that is like nothing I have ever felt. I will always be here for you, I will never force myself on you, but you are NOT alone.
I had a safe Uncle while I was growing up, and I have hoped so much that I could be that for you. I know there is still time, but I fear that your daddy is so mad at me for tattling that he isn't going to let me spend much time with you to build that relationship up. I just hope that you can someday see my love for you, and make a decision yourself that you want to spend time with me. I will be with you as fast as I can.
I can not imagine how many things I have missed out on, but I am grateful for the glimpses that I have had into your life and spending time with you. I even got to take care of you one day. It was amazing, you played with your cousins so well, we sang songs, threw toys, figured things out, and read stories. You were not thrilled to be away from your mom, but we got through that. I offered to take you more, but it never happened.
I hope I get to be a part of your life's journey at some point.
xo
Aunt Koren
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